Let me cry tonight

Bertalu-talu ujian dan dugaan Allah kepadaku tahun ini. Tapi Allah janji Dia tidak membebankan hamba-Nya dengan dugaan yang tidak mampu ditanggungnya. Aku yakin dengan janji Allah cuma kekadang ingin menangis juga walaupun sedang sabar dan tabah dalam menjalani ujian ini.

Ujian yang terlalu banyak ya Allah. Berapa ramai ahli keluargaku telah kembali kepadaMu, melihat penderitaan penyakit kepada kaum keluargaku yang disayangi, dikhianati oleh orang yang dianggap rapat, kepayahanku menerima rezeki dalam bentuk zuriat, pergolakan dan konfliks dengan orang yang tersayang dan bermacam-macam lagi sejak awal tahun lagi.

Namun dengan barakah rumahtanggaku, aku bersyukur denganMu kerana Kau kurniakan suami yang tiada tolok bandingnya menemani aku dalam segala dugaanMu ini. Syukur ya Allah, Kau kurniakan seseorang yang bijak bertutur memujukku, pemurah dengan kasih sayang dan sentiasa bersampingku dalam apa jua keadaan kami.

Aku bersyukur kepadaMu ya Allah kerana walaupun sungguh perit setiap dugaan yang kulalui ini, banyak sungguh nikmat yang tanpa kusedari Kau kurniakan kepadaku. Sungguh Kau adalah Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Namun malam ini, di saat terdengar berita yang tidak baik, walaupun belum 100% yakin, tapi jiwaku terus manjadi lemah dan sedih. Aku seolah-olah tidak dapat menerima dugaan kali ini kerana aku sungguh mengharapkan satu sinar di sebalik dugaan yang tertalu-talu ini. Tapi aku yakin Kau Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untukku. Semoga Kau kurniakan yang terbaik untuk ku dan seluruh ahli keluargaku.

Ya Allah, benarkan aku menangis di atas kekecewaan ini ya.

11 years ago

While waiting for my husband to come home this evening, I dig out a file that kept all my memories in the year 1999-2000. I was 16 that time and full of weird teenage hormone. I found few poems and love stories that I wrote based on my current situation but with more dramatic endings. Haha.

But best of all, I found a series of email that someone send it to me (I printed every one of it). We were separated when he changed school. So only phone calls and emails that kept us in touch. We were not in a relationship but just two friends keeping updates with each other. However I just noticed that from month to month, the tone of his email changed slowly from just a friend to somebody who cares for me.

Who has thought that the same person who religiously sending me emails and patiently answering my phone calls on every school holidays is the one that become my husband.

Who would have thought?

That's qada' and qadar.

Not that I'm complaining =)

1000 days of love

You know what day is it today? Yup, Friday. Good boy. Now take this ice cream and off you go. Hahaha..

Ok, ok, I'm in very good mood today coz I celebrated the 1000 days of my married life with my dearest husband. You might think, budak ni mesti takde keje, tiap-tiap hari kira hari ke? Unfortunately the first part of that question is true but the second part is not. It is not that I have a countdown timer in my room counting down how many days that I have been a wife. It was happened unexpectedly actually. I was counting days for other thing and then I put my anniversary date and see how many days already. At that moment, it was day 980 (plus minus). So I thought wow, we almost 1000 days. So I just put a reminder in my phone calendar.

So there you go. 1 0 0 0 d a y s . . . .

My finance professor in Duke counted his marriage days. I remember when he introduced himself, he said something like, "I have a wife and we have been married for xxxxx days." Yeah, he has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). You should see how he put all his money in his wallet. It's according to the serial number okay. But he's really a fun but quirky professor and I enjoyed his lectures even though I still couldn't understand finance whole-heartedly. Haha.

Anyway, celebrating how many days you have been ...... is harder than remembering a certain date. I remember by heart my anniversary date but how many days have been married, that 's more challenging. Because the date can be fall on random date and after a while you stop counting.

So to commemorate this day (which might not be remembered if I didn't accidentally count it), I have made this photo mosaic which consisted of 1000 (+18 more) photos of us from the day we tied the knot until today. Yes, that's 1000 unique photos of us only.

The main picture is Day 1 - our akad nikah

While doing this, I realized:
We have a lot of photos of us alone rather than us together. This couldn't be avoided as we always travel just the two of us. So it's always he took my photo, I took his. Even though we have X-shot Extender and a tripod to help us, sometimes we were lazy to use it. Yup, we travel with 2 kind of tripod (well, one is more like a monopod). Believe it or not, all of that can be put into my handbag. But towards to end, the laziness improved and we have more photos together.

I'm going to print it (in large print obviously) and framed it after I perfect the mosaic. Kind of neat kan...

Ps: Actually I wanted to be a surprise gift for my hubby, but I am very bad at keeping secret and spilled my plan to him. He thought it was a cool idea. I will post the final product when I finish it, print it and frame it.

After 3 years of battle

If I'm not mistaken, I first meet her in 2004. It was Zainal's UNITEN convocation. At that time, I came as a shy-shy girlfriend celebrating his boyfriend's achievement. I was invited to join their family lunch after that. I was reluctant at first (coz I was shy) but eventually I followed them.

After that I never met her again until few years later. She went to Germany pursuing her Ph.D after that. Then in 2007, Zainal showed me the email that she send informing that she would be back for good after she was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 3. At this point of life, you don't care about pencapaian duniawi anymore when your life was at stake. And that was the beginning of her battle.

In 2008 after we got married, we always visited her, at least 2-3 months once. She had mastectomy, chemotherapy and many more treatments. But the cancer cells were very stubborn. After the mastectomy, we thought that the cells were gone, but then we found out it had spread to lung before to the bones.

When I was in US, I saw the worried look of my husband whenever he called home, scared that he wasn't going to be there if anything happened to his only sister. I prayed hard that Kak Zura stays stronger and wait for our arrival first.

But Kak Zura was a strong woman and also a smart lady. Not only academically (bachelors in US, masters is Malaysia and Ph.D in Germany), but also in life. She knew not to depend on man to make her happy and started to save everything for her daughters. If you met her, you will not see her as a patient. She always smiling, never complaining and always want to do everything by herself.

Only Allah know what's best for His creation. This Raya was actually the first Raya I celebrated with her, well, I never know it would be the last Raya. She was weak already at that time but as usual I never noticed it. A week after that we went to visit her again at her house after hearing that she always had difficulty of breathing. We couldn't talk much that time as her friends were there at the same time. My mother in law told me that the doctor had told her that she had only 1 month left. The cancer cells have invaded her liver and the spinal cord. I was in shock. I couldn't imagine how she felt at that moment.

On Thursday afternoon that same week, I received a phone call from Zainal that Kak Zura was admitted to hospital. Same hospital with Pak. He rushed home and together we went there. They gave Kak Zura morphine and other pain reliever to ease her pain. Yes, the doctor said cancer is the worst pain in the world. Because of the pain killer, she was able to sleep. Zainal slept there for 2 nights and I joined him on the second night. Whenever she woke up and usually the drug has toned down, we need to call nurse so that they will give new dose of drug.

On Sunday morning, we left her sleeping and went home. Zainal's brother took care of her in daytime. We would never know that it would be her last day. We came back again around 8.30pm the same day. We saw her husband sleeping in the room (finally he arrived on SUNDAY!). We went to Kak Zura and saw that she was breathing heavily and moaning in her sleep. After updating her husband on her condition and asked him to take his dinner while we waited with Kak Zura, we went to nurse station. We asked the nurse there why she was breathing like that. It wasn't like that this morning. The nurse answered short and simple, that's is how orang nazak breathing. At this moment she asked us to start reciting Yaasin and teach her the syahadah.

After that shocking piece of news, we immediately started reciting Yaasin. Zainal's brother and his wife, Kak Ina arrived after that. Since both of them are medical doctors, they knew what's the situation and started reciting Yaasin. Kak Ina checked Kak Zura medical reports and found out that her blood pressure couldn't be determined anymore and her temperature was subnormal. Kak Zura's husband came back from his dinner looking confused and joined us in reciting Yaasin.

At 10 pm, with her husband and Zainal holding her hand, she breathed her last breathe. It was fast and almost like she was sleeping. Panic, both of them called Kak Ina and she checked her pulse and heart beat. She called nurse who came with defibrillator. Kak Ina requested not to use the defib and the nurse just used it to read her heart beat and confirmed her death. It's only straight line printed on that paper. At that time, the time of death recorded was 10.03pm on 26 September 2010.

The rest they said is history. We did what we supposed to do and she laid in her final resting area in Shah Alam. She left 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 and 5. I hope she was placed amongst the specials and hope she is peaceful in her new place.

Dari Allah kita datang, kepada Allah kita kembali jua. Al-Fatihah kepada Kak Zura....

Kak Zura with her daughters on our wedding day. At the back is Zainal's brother.

Need to live

Raya kan sebulan...

Just want to wish...

Jika ada salah dan silap, terkasar bahasa dalam penulisan dan perhubungan, termakan dan terminum, kami ingin menyusun sepuluh jari memohan maaf keampunan dengan penuh keikhlasan...

10 days of downhill

Today is the 10th day Pak in hospital. And today at 12 pm, I still at home which is unusual for the past 10 days. Supposedly I should be at hospital. But today I just couldn't take the latest nuisance from people who came to visit. Because she is my family. I expect family to understand but instead she making bunyi-bunyi yang menyakitkan hati on days like this.

Pak was admitted to the ward on 4th of September at 11.30pm. He was brought to the emergency room at 2pm the same day. Doctors took 9 hours to find out what's wrong with him but finally they admitted him despite not knowing what the problem. He showed a symptom of stroke which was slurred speech but the brain scan showed nothing. His motor on both side was in excellent condition which further confused the doctors.

Everyday I was at the hospital without fail. Sometimes I stayed for 12 hours and if other family was there I would went home to take a break. But Pak always asked for me and he felt most comfortable with me so I would tried my best to be there for him.

Pak's health deteriorated rapidly within one week. When he first came in, I can understand him and he can walk if the doctor asked him. Then his speech become unrecognizable even for me. Then they did a MRI scan and they found out that it's pontine stroke. Ya Allah! At that time Pak couldn't even talk anymore. He even needed oxygen. But he wasn't comfortable with the oxygen mask and the pulse oxymeter at his finger tip. He wanted to take it off and was restless for at least 3 days. He was at that condition and didn't feel comfortable with whatever that happen around him. Few times nurses have to tied his hands to his bed to make sure he wouldn't hurt himself. That was the saddest thing I ever seen. He would look at me with sadness in his eyes begging me to untie his hand. He couldn't talk and he is at other people's mercy. And all I can do is comfort him with holding his hand. That's all I can do. I felt useless.

Then on 9th September, he has difficulty of breathing. He was breathing heavily with the help of oxygen mask. At that time, his oxygen level was barely reached 90%. His heart rate was at the average of 120 bpm. He looked like he has to fight for his life to breathe. At that time, he can't even raised his hand. He was so weak and he just closed his eyes all the time. When people came and hold his hand, he opened his eyes and if that person meant a lot to him, tears rolled at the corner of his eyes.

Finally on the Eid night, doctor decided to put him on a ventilator. On Eid morning when I came and visited him, he was unconscious and still breathing supported by ventilator. Now on the 5th of Eid, he still unconscious.

Helpless

Finally this situation has taken a toll on me. I felt that I didn't do everything that it should be yet I felt that I'm exhausted by this whole situation.

I don't know what to do to help him and looking at his situation made me felt so helpless. His speeches has become unrecognizable, his movements have lost it's coordination and he always in pain in different part of the body. I wish I have a magic wand that can cure all his illness.

I felt really bad for not really be by his side at all time helping him with all his need - to the bathroom, fed him and just be there for him. Yet, people think I've done so many things when all I do is taking him to see various specialists since July and just check on him every hour or so. It's just that there is a hole in my heart from the 6 years absence and the feeling is not the same anymore.

I felt bad for not being the best as I should have when he was there all the time when I was small. Yet I felt I have done everything that I could and the best I could to balance between him and my own life.

I felt like there's a huge rock of responsibility that was handed to me by the people around me - the society, friends and family, that I need to carry on. Sometimes I wish the people who calling asking how he is doing would come and see him and be by his side for awhile.

Now I realized how hard it is when the time has come. Seriously I am not ready. My mind was occupied with a lot other goals that I need to achieve at least within this year. But I have to set it aside all of that first because if not who will take care of him and bring him to see the doctors? When I think about this, I started to question my sincerity.

I'm so helpless. Ya Allah, please help him...

Pening

Hish pening.

I'm not sure if he needs attention or he really needs the treatment. But he sure make everybody come and see.

But the timing couldn't be worse. Pity my hubby as he also involved in this.

Need more patience with this.

Post World Cup 2010

I can't say that I have a post World Cup Withdrawal Syndrome but I sure missed all the excitement of watching the games. No more highlights to watch and anticipating the next game. Anyhow, I'm glad Spain won the title. I picked them between them and Holland but my heart still goes to Argentina. However, Spain deserved to win coz they played so well. And they have one of the best goalkeeper in the tournament which is Iker Casillas. Casillas is my favourite goalkeeper after Oliver Kahn of Germany (remember him? I'm sorry but I have a thing of this goalkeeper who also a team captain.. hehe).

I am so glad that I am in Malaysia for this World Cup 2010. The atmosphere might not be the same if I was in States. The 'fever' is not catching up at that side of the world. I realized it the moment I stepped out of the plane 2 days before World Cup started. And the excitement watching the games with the people who I usually watch football with which is including my dad and Naqib with new addition, my dearest hubby is priceless. Everybody has their own favourites and you can hear different reaction when a team made stupid move. Haha.

The best part was watching Germany vs England at Redang Island. One side of the resort was having a ball of time dancing and drinking while the other side was concentrating on the game. Haih, I don't even hear what the commentator was talking as the music was so loud. Then there's one Ah Beng who got so emotional when England lost and nobody actually care about him coz all of us support Germany. Hehe.

To tell the truth I think football is the most beautiful sports. In addition, all the decisions was made by the hand of the 3 referees only which adds the drama to the field. Plus, I love the fact that the game is continuous for 90 with only 15 minutes break and without so many timeout like some sports e.g. basketball, American football and baseball.

Well, I hope Argentina improves for the next World Cup. Come on.. I've been supporting you for the past 3 World Cups and yet you still haven't won anything yet.

Oh, I think the video that showed Casillas kissed the reporter aka his girlfriend is so cute. Check this out:



Translation from my friend's Facebook...

"Casillas -..And I just want to thanks to the people who had always supported me, my parents, my brother ... TT_TT
Sara -It's OK , lets talk a bit about the game, and then we come back to the thank... No? :-O
Casillas - No, you are first! *kiss ♥ ^_^ * I'm leaving...!...
Sara- Oh my God! (Literally: my mother..!) well.. we can do this later, right J ?
J- Sara, what kind of man is this captain..! (Literally: So big this captain! so big..!) "

Skip the first 4 paragraphs, and this post is actually useful

Zainal has started working this week and if you looked at the ticker at the side bar that counting his arrival, he actually has arrived 8 months and 1 week. Actually that is how long we have been spent which each other 24/7 after we have separated on roughly 2.5 months before that.

The only time that we were not together when I went to classes which is roughly 3.5 hours every day. The longest separation we had was when we flew home using different flight but same route which was 20 hours. Yes, only 20 hours of separation in 8 months!

Now, starting yesterday, we will be away with each other 10 hours every day except weekends (at least for this few weeks, then the schedule will be changed).

This is really a useless post but wth, I'm bored and I wanted to update this blog. Haha.

Anyway, if you bored, check out TIME Best Blogs of 2010. These are my favorite:

1. Cake Wrecks : Simply hilarious! Seriously. It has been 2 days I've been reading this stuff. Clearly US needs to improve their education system. The most misspelled word: Congratulations. Haha.
2. Shit my Kids Ruined: THE STRONGEST VISUAL BIRTH CONTROL ON THE MARKET TODAY. Agreed! What I learned, never left a marker pen unattended if you have kids.
   
3. PostSecret: Have been following this site since 2008. Last year he came to Duke and I couldn't get the ticket! I was so disappointed. But Zainal was more disappointed even he was in Malaysia at that time.
4. The Oatmeal: Visually funny.
   

I haven't checked the rest yet as I'm still addicted to Cake Wrecks. Check it out guys!

Authentic

Wow.. more than 1 month without new post. There are a lot of stuff has been going on within these few weeks. I'm glad is all done and I'm moving on to the next phase of my life. I thought I would write it down here for future reading and memories, but I'm not so sure anymore. To tell the truth, I almost gave up blogging. I have so many things I wanted to share but apparently people misinterpreted me from this blog.

Ntah la, sometimes I can be clueless about human. I was betrayed over and over again sometimes by the same people (if not by different people) yet I still hold on to that relationship. Zainal who is very protective of my emotion has warned me so many times to avoid that kind of people and ignore them but me being me, still feel that there was hope in them. Until they gave me the ultimatum that shocked and stunned me, then only I realized that I should listen to Zainal earlier. Though I'm hurt like hell, but at least it gave me lessons in life.

Maybe I should put a disclaimer in this blog. What I wrote here is the real me. This is where sometimes I share my joy, happiness, anger and sadness. I don't have a separate blog with anonymity or have protected post when I wanted to bash other people or leash out my anger. I tried to have it before but I don't feel right at all. When I'm hurt, angry or dissatisfy, and need to let it go, I write it here. It's not my intention to humiliate other people coz I never give out the names but I'm human. I have feelings and feel the pain. So tipula kalau I didn't get angry at all.

Sometimes people thought some posts are about them when in reality I never thought about them at all when writing this post. But bak kata pepatah Melayu, sape makan cili, terasa la pedasnya. Hah!

So I will put my head high and will keep on being authentic to myself. If you can't accept it, please click 'x' at the top right of your browser. Thank you.

27th and 8th

Finally, he's turn to turn 27. Now we're even.

I celebrated my birthday at Niagara Falls, NY this year. Woohooo...

We celebrated our 8th year anniversary at Boston and New York City on the 7th May.

He will celebrate his birthday in Durham, NC. Don't worry sayang, I like Durham =). Kita pergi makan di Cheesecake Factory nak?

This post will be expanded into a nice long post in the future (it might be tomorrow, next week or next year.. haha).

Mek

It has been 11 days since she had gone. I waited so long to write a post about this coz I don't have the strengths to pour it out without crying my heart out. I never thought I will be missing her this much.

She just not my grandma, she's like my second mom. If you knew her, you will call her Mek. Coz no matter who you are, her daughter, friend, grandson or great-granddaughter, you will called her Mek. To me, Mek represents everything she is to me - grandma, mother and friends.

As far as I knew, she has been living with my family since I was small. She would went visiting her other children 2-3 times a year and after 1-2 weeks with them, she would always missed her room in our house. My room is next to hers and we shared bathroom together. I sometimes sneaked to her room to borrow minyak panas, air masak, spoon or knife coz she has everything in her room.

When I was small, I used to follow her everywhere, from Kelantan to Kedah visiting my uncles and aunts. Then when I got older, Mek would followed us on vacations from Perhentian Island, Genting Highland, Cameron to her favourite, Bangkok. She would always be with me every time I to Umrah. Funnily I only went to Umrah once with my parents.

Then I started my schooling years and everyday I was greeted with her home cooked lunch for 11 years. Mek was wonderful cook especially Kelantan food. She made everything from scratch and knew everyone favourite food. She would bought apam or kuih lapis whenever she went to pasar tani coz she knew I love it. She would bring back roti jala whenever she came across it in kenduri coz I crazy about it. She cooked hati goreng when I came to home after I got married coz I can't get enough of her hati goreng.

Mek has a lot of collections. From handbags, towels, brooches to crystal bracelets, she loved them all and carefully displayed them in her room. She was very particular about her stuff and she can detect if anyone came into her room when she was not there. She loves cat too and she would feed stray cat that came to our house. She's the one who taught Choki (my bunny) to eat cream crackers that became his favourite food.

I'm going to miss our gossip session when she would called me into her room and started, "Ni mek nak cerita sesuatu ni. Tapi jangan beritau mak tau." I'm going to miss our Hindustan movie session which on Saturday or whatever there are showing.

When I went home last year, I remembered she was telling me what should I do during confinement, what to eat and so on. Then I told her, "Taknak la tahu, nanti Mek buatkan la untuk adik ye." I never thought that day would never come. It's always in my plan that Mek will be there when I have children on my own. She always be with me throughout my life anyway. She was there when I was admitted to SJMC repeatedly throughout my childhood years.She was there when I first left home to matriculation, she was there when I registered at UM for for degree, she was at Dewan Tunku Canselor when I received my degree and she slept with me on the last night of my singlehood before I became a wife. When I get married, I couldn't come back home every weekend and she would persuaded me to come home, and eat at home. She would said that at least I would save the money by eating at home but I knew she just wanted me to be home. Sadly, I didn't spend much time with her during my summer vacation last year. She has started becoming sick and we rarely talked at that time.


There's so many memories I have with mek. She is not a kind of grandma that I only saw during Raya or kenduri, she's my grandma that I live with and grow up with. I couldn't believe at the last moment of her life, I wasn't there to be next to her. I can only hear her weak voice and that's it. I really wish I can hug her and kiss her goodbye for the last time.

In one month time, when I come home, tell me how do I walk pass her room to my room knowing that she is not going to be there anymore?

Mek, semoga Mek tenang di sana... InsyaAllah adik akan jumpa Mek lagi ye... Al-Fatihah..

Finishing my classes

I don't know why I'm so lazy lately. Like super lazy ok especially in typing. I have so many ideas what to write here but instead I just procrastinated and finally the ideas gone. I wrote it at my Twitter and hoping with the 140 characters, it will transform to 200 words essay. Haha.. I wish.

Tonight I just realized that in 3 days, I'll be done with my Masters. Yup, jut another 3 days! I got presentations on Tuesday and Wednesday and I'm done with classes. Eh, wait, I need to submit 2 reports after that. Well, at least I'm done with classes.

I can't believe how fast the time flies. Just last week I met an International Office staff who was so nice to me when I first arrived. Yup, I went to her crying out loud saying I missed home so much. She gave me all the list that I can do to distract myself. So when I met her last week on the way to Bryan Center, I told her that I'm going to graduate in May, she was surprised that it's already 1.5 years since I cried at her office. Hahahaah..

To tell the truth, I never thought I would finish this degree. Not because I'm not competent, but I didn't think I can survive here alone. I guess over time I learned to adapt. Yes, it wasn't easy but I managed. I adapted so well until right now I don't feel like going home. I kinda comfortable here I guess. Anyway, I'm going home anyway this June. But for me, anywhere where my love is, that is my home. =)

I'm a proud Dukie

I never thought I'm going to be so happy. Yes, this happiness is too much to handle. Who wouldn't when their school win the national championship basketball game. Yes, no 1 in the US college basketball.

DUKE UNIVERSITY IS THE CHAMPIONS OF N.C.A.A. BASKETBALL 2010

I'm so proud of my school. We excel in academic and sports. Yes, we are!

Decisions decisions

There are so many events that I'm interested happening this weekend. There are cherry blossom festival at Washington DC, space shuttle launch at Kennedy Space Center in Orlando and Native Indian American Pow Wow at Duke.

It's really hard to choose which one I should go. I have tickets for the space shuttle launch but last minute my friends didn't want to go as they postponed to Monday. But the 10+ hours of driving is not something I look forward to. Cherry blossom is something that I anticipated since last year and the 4 hour driving is not that bad. And lastly Pow Wow is something I wanted to witness since I missed it last year due to workshop that I have to attend.

So while contemplating which one should we go, DC or Orlando, I played around with Priceline Negotiator and unbelievably I managed to book a room that is very cheap at Orlando. The thing about Priceline Negotiator is once you clicked and there's a room that match with your bid, bam! you got the room and it immediately charged to your credit card. With that, Priceline has made decision for me.

So, another dream will come true eventually! (try not to think about 10 hours driving for now)

Figuratively speaking

Have you ever driving on full speed completely aware with your environment, with catchy songs in the full blast and enjoying every second of it until someone said 'stop!' at that moment immediately.

At this moment you have 3 options:
a) press stop pedal immediately but face the consequences which is life threatening accident
b) slowly decrease the speed and come to a stop not immediately but safely
c) just ignore that person and maintain the speed

What if I choose (a) and I never recover the spirit?

Choosing (b) is wasting time.

(c) is possible but I'm training myself to become a selfish person.

So what should I do? I don't want to stop yet. I kind of enjoying the ride and in the full spirit to get it done. You shouldn't encouraged me to get this high at the first place. Look what damage you have done. =(

Yes I can do it!

In facing your troubles you are allowed to feel pain, you are allowed to feel disappointed, you are allowed to feel angry, you are allowed to cry (I choked several times) ..BUT...YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO GIVE UP!

-Rahman Mansor

Read his story here.

I really need this motivation for job hunting in this economy. I will use all my resources and I believe I be able to find the job. InsyaAllah.

I love secret rewards!

I thought Victoria's Secret (VS) is selling all the laced kind of lingerie that would not be comfortable to be worn as everyday garment. And also the kind of lingerie that is used in seduction rather than practical everyday wear. But I was wrong. I discovered this last spring when I when shopping alone at Northgate Mall (you discovered a lot of stuff if you go shopping alone). They were having the 7 panties for $25 promotion, so I took a look and discovered my new love for this brand.

Their panties are beautiful and made with comfortable cotton fabric. I love their design and style that I had a hard time choosing only 7 pairs. Furthermore, it's cheap for a brand that have Tyra Banks, Naomi Campbell and Alessandra Ambrosio as their models. If you calculated, it cost only around $3.50 per pair. Then during the checkout I was given a secret reward card. It's a coupon that has minimum value of $10, but it might has $50, $100 or even $500. The catch is that you don't know how much you got until the promotion was on which was in a month later.

I remembered berangan-angan nak beli ape if I got $100. Soon I found out I only got the minimum value which was $10. Cess.. It's ok, sape nak kasi $10 kan. So I bought something there and got discounted $10.

This year, I was waiting eagerly for the 7 for $25 promotion. I totally forgot about the secret reward things. Last weekend I found out there's a promotion that I've been waiting for. This time the panties are from the Love Pink range. Still cute as ever. So during the checkout, the cashier told me about the secret reward and I got a reward card. Now all I have to do is to wait till April to know what's my card value. I hope I'm luckier this time.

Then when I got home I realized that if I give my feedback by calling a number that stated in the receipt, they will give a $10 off for the next purchase that more than $50. Wah, excited and I already did the feedback. Now I have $20 off for my next VS purchase! Ok, time to simpan duit for this. Hehe.

Friday morning tears

My mom told me that he has been in and out of hospital frequently these past few months. I told Zainal that I hope he's ok coz I don't want to hear any bad news while I'm here. Especially those who close to me and made an impact in my life. But Allah loves him more. On Friday morning at 10 something, he passed away. My uncle, Pak Ngah.

He's my dad's older brother with different mom. However, he was close to my dad's siblings. In fact, he was like a part of the same mother siblings. My dad has 10 brothers and a sister. It's a lot of uncles and aunties for each one of them having an impact on me. But Pak Ngah was different. I went to Umrah with him twice. He's my saksi during my akad nikah. He has an impact in my life.

He such a nice man. Always smile and always jovial. I remember people used to tease him for his smoking addiction but he just smiled and brushed it off.

The last time I saw him was during my cousin wedding last summer. Thank God I made the decision to go home that summer break.

Well, semoga rohnya diletakkan di tempat orang-orang yang beriman. Al-Fatihah to Pak Ngah.

Pak Ngah is standing on the left next to the window. This is some of my dad's brothers. Can you spot which one is my dad? People say I'm daddy's girl so it should be easy.

Ahh...

Biasa la bila seseorang tu dekat dengan kita, semua salah dia kita nampak kan. Apa yang dia cakap pun tak boleh percaya. Tegur sikit terus senyap menyepi. Siap nak block lagi orang yang dekat.

Tapi dengan orang jauh, semuanya indah. Jumpa pun setahun sekali. Kekadang jumpa pun tak pernah. Tapi puji sampai melangit. Semua dia cakap betul, siap menjadi sumber inspirasi pulak tu.

Biasa la manusia. Yang dekat dicaci, yang jauh dipuja.

Snowboarding in Beech Mountain, NC

I love going to new places.
I love to experience new things and learning new culture.
I love to get my adrenaline pumping and feel my heartbeat beating faster while enjoying the moment.
That is why I love extreme activity.

I love roller coasters.
I love scuba diving.
Now I love snow boarding.

The exhilarating moment when you go down the slope with wind slapping your face and the thought of not knowing how to stop was so unbelievable. Not forgetting the eerie feeling sitting on the ski lift that lift you high up without any handle bar to stop you from falling down while holding your snow board on your left foot.

But yesterday I let myself down. I knew I can do better than that. I was quite good at the play yard area. That area was for beginner, using just J lift to bring the skiers and boarders to higher slope. Then we decided to go higher slope using the ski lift. Once up there, I kept on falling down and after one third on the course I gave up. I couldn't even stand anymore as I was so tired to control my board sliding down before I stand up. So what I did? I walked down the slope with the board in my hands. Hahaha..

If this place is half hour or 1 hour away, I might go again. Rasa tak puas ok. I felt that I can do better than that. But then, it's 3 hours away and the season is going to be over in 1 week. Next season, I will start early and practice more. And buy a pair of good glove and bibs.

Here are some photos that we took.

Getting all excited and ready for the slopes. Bring it on!

Getting ready to down. Putting my right foot in the snow board. When you are not boarding, you unleash your right foot from the board and walk with it while the left foot still leash on the board. Oh, next time, I'm going to wear bibs for this. Jeans are not suitable for skiing/snow boarding. Habis basah lencun!

My partner that shares common interests (except roller coasters, tapi still kena paksa naik). He was quick to learn all the tricks for this. I tried to use it and failed. Haha.. The season is almost over (in 1 week time) and the snow is getting thinner and less powdery (which is quite painful when you fall down).

Me in action. I won't show you what happened after that. Let have this perfect image of me stay in your mind. Hahaha..

If my mom was here, she would said, nape la nak susahkan diri dan cari penyakit buat benda ni. Hahaha.. Yup, my butt hurts like hell and all my muscle is aching right now.

Blue Ridge Parkway closed

Currently in Asheville, North Carolina after arriving from Atlanta, Georgia 6 hours ago. The town is surrounding with beautiful mountains. Totally gorgeous. I called this our honeymoon no. 648.

Will be back soon.

3:09 am secret

I have a secret.

Though when Zainal having a fever or any sickness worried me (who doesn't, anyway), I secretly like it coz I can manja-ing him. I feel like a mommy taking take care of a baby. Hehe.

Psst... don't tell him. He might over manja and takes advantage. Haha.

Picture from: Daily Pets

Healthy body needed!

A reminder for myself.

Eat a lot of fiber.
When having a constipation, eat stool softener and increase amount of fiber ASAP!
Coz if you wait too long and cause anal fissures at your rectum, then every trip to the toilet feels like a battle.

Eat your vitamin.
At least 2-3 per week.
Not when you already get sick.
Your unhealthy diet won't protect your body against virus.

Exercise at least once a week.

Sila jangan jadi malas ye Mun!

Why so serious?

Last week while collecting my stuff from the meeting room, I saw a Duke published magazine. I decided to have a peek as the cover boasted few interesting topics. As I flipped through the magazine until I arrived at the last page, I caught one sentence that struck me: People who took themselves too seriously. I moved my eyes to the previous sentence and it read: What is it that you most dislike? Apparently it's an interview with John Barness, a visiting Duke professor.

I immediately took that magazine with me and read the whole interview. At that moment, I knew I like this guy. We have a common ground even though we never knew each other. I, like him, hate people who took themselves so serious and the worst kind of this people is that they couldn't laugh at themselves.

I knew few people who happened to be in this category. Oh, what a pain in the ass. Being around them is so stressful. Is like they have to be the most perfect person in the world and anything goes wrong even though it's something insignificant can cause drama. Furthermore, I have to be careful in whatever I say or do. Even if it's a joke, they took it seriously and assumed I was making fun of them.

Growing up with a family who jokes a lot about each other and married a person who is not afraid to criticize me has made me become cool about people saying whatever they wanted to say to me as long as it's not over the top la. Agak-agak la kan. Kalau dah super melampau tu semua orang pun marah.

Without I realized, my friends have this same attitude as mine. You know, tak kisah dengar kutukan depan-depan kind of species. This friends that are honest in friendship and those who I stay close until now. Even at workplace before this, thank God, most of my colleagues were that kind of species. Those who couldn't handle it, I found myself drifting away from them.

The kind of people who can't laugh at themselves, find that they surrounded by friends who always praise them and say all those sugary and flowery stuff all the time. This is concluded by my observation in social networking called Facebook and Friendster. Haha.. No, seriously. I matched their personality and the comments they got and boom, that's the conclusion.

Well, life is short. Why take everything too serious? I mean if we want to take every single thing too serious, best ke hidup? There are some stuff that need to take seriously and there some that can be chilled. Trust me, if we can laugh at ourselves, people will become less judgmental to us. If we took ourselves too serious, people will scrutinize every little thing we do. Because I know I do that.

I give you this situation:
You are walking with your friend in a crowded hallway. You don't realize that there's a fire extinguisher right in front of you and you knock yourself at that thing. Everybody stop walking and looks at you. What do you do?
(A) You look embarrassed, angry at the other people that stare at you, swear furiously quietly and walk away.
(B) Look shock and burst into laughter.

If you choose (B), welcome to my club. If you choose (A), obviously everything must be perfect in everywhere you go don't you?

Actually that situation happened to me before (please don't ask me where the hell was I looking when walking) and I chose (B) as my reaction. As a result, everybody around laugh with me and that whole situation become a funny incident instead of an embarrassing moment in my life.

So please learned to laugh at yourself. You don't know how good it feels like. You become less angry and people might actually like you as a friend.

Amarah

Jiwa rasa tak tenang. I felt angry, unsatisfied, sad, semua la ada.

Firstly, bengang dengan satu manusia ini yang selalu anggap dia paling pandai dan sibuk nak ajar-ajar orang pulak. Pastu nak paksa orang ikut cakap dia je. WTH? Since last semester he kept on bugging with whatever I'm doing. What's your problem man???? I drove to one direction, he said I should go to another. I put this 2 people in one group, he asked why and said his option is better. WHYYYYYY?? I can't believe I chose to work with him. My bad.

Secondly, I don't know why I'm so hang up on certain things. Like biar la dia. Why I must feel bad on everything she did. Biarkan biarkan biarkan. Tak payah nak sibuk-sibuk okess..

Thirdly, I still rasa sedih pasal some people taknak pergi Orlando lagi. I still rasa terkilan tak pergi Kennedy Space Center. That was my number 1 place that I wanted to go when I came here. Nobody now how much I wanted to be an astronomer. Since form 1 ok. Then after I realized I won't be an astronomer, I don't have a backup plan for my future. Ok, maybe my mom know as I wanted the telescope badly on my 15 (can't remember the exact age) birthday. But it was expensive and I didn't get it. I tried to go to all space exhibition that held in Malaysia. So now I'm here in US, I really really wanted to go to a Space Center. Menyesal tak pergi hari tu. Ingat boleh datang lagi.. T______________________________T

Fourth, 80% chances that my parents will not be coming to my graduation. Yup, changed of plan.

Fifth, I felt like sleeping off my anger right now and cry in my sleep. Boleh?

Same exciting old places with additional new people

I send graduation invitation letter to 3 most important people in my life - my husband, my mother & my father last Friday. Yesterday my mom called and confirmed InsyaAllah she and my dad will come. Maybe my younger brother too.

That means we need to plan the travel schedule soon. How excited. InsyaAllah I'll be able to visit New York City again! Can't wait to go to the top of Statue Liberty, Central Park without the snow, the M&M's store and the biggest department store in the world, Macy's.

Maybe we might go Washington DC too. Second time for me. InsyaAllah. I want to have a White House tour, go inside US Capitol (after reading Dan Brown's Lost Symbol, I need to find all the rooms mentioned in the book), go inside the US Memorial and visit the museums.

I need to convince my hubby and mom that Naqib would like to go to Universal Studio in Orlando. My hubby and I skipped that place in our Florida trip last December. Boy, now I am glad we did because they are going to open The Wizarding World of Harry Potter this spring. I want to go! They have the Hogwarts Castle and all the places mentioned in the books and movies. How cool is that!

The near completion of the extended Universal Studio park. Pics from: Telegraph

Because of this new plan, now our plan for spring break needs to be modified. Still couldn't afford to go to east coast, so the plan maybe still be around west coast. We'll see what we can come out with soon.

2 years and counting

Last Tuesday our legal union turned 2 years. I can't believe how fast the time has moved. I still remember last year for our 1st anniversary we went to Raleigh and met Malaysians there. This year the day itself was one of the busiest day of my week. I was out of the house at 9am and only back home at 5pm. And guess what I found on the dining table when I was back in the evening? This lovely red roses in the clear glass vase.

Oh my God, I was surprised! The flowers was shipped via Fedex from California. This was his plan in case I was at home. Literally it's hard to buy each other present secretly when you go everywhere together. Honestly, I didn't get anything for my husband. I'm such a bad wife. I forgot that I still can buy stuff online (like I always do) without having to spoil the surprise. Really disappointed with myself.

I decided we should dine out to celebrate. We went to Red Lobster as they have promotion and it's a seafood restaurant. Might as well go to straight to seafood restaurant as that's the only thing we can eat. Other restaurant might be nicer and has more romantic ambiance but when you can only choose 2 dishes from the hundreds of dishes in the menu, it's not appealing anymore. Red Lobster was good actually. We really enjoyed our meals. The service was good too, they very attentive and made our dinner enjoyable. Though I suspected Red Lobster is the place to go if you are celebrating someone's birthday as throughout our dinner, there were 3 birthday songs were sang by the waitresses.

The roses and hubby

Feeling guilty of not buying anything for my hubby, I suggested that the ski trip that we are going to take will be my treat. That's my present for him for our anniversary. That's lead to another guilt. I have to postpone the ski plan again for the second time as I decided to change course. Don't worry honey, we will ski for sure.

To tell the truth, when you are married and still hasn't got any kid, all the trip you took feel like celebration or honeymoon. The Florida trip that we had in December was supposed to be our 2nd anniversary trip. So when the exact date came, I felt like I already celebrated it. Last year we when to New York. I wonder where are we going next year? I hope by next year on our anniversary, we have our tiny clone with us or at least on the way in my uterus. Finally, my motherly instinct kicks in.

Playing badminton with a pair of boots

After hibernating in my apartment for few weeks due to arctic wind that came for a vacation in US, finally the temperature has risen again. Maybe En Arctic Wind decided to go home and let the sunshine warmth be our friend now. It feel so good to be able to not wearing my bomber jacket and wear my Nike shoes back again.

That day I had a conversation with my mom and she still has this hope that I would do PhD in US after my Master's. Sabar ye mak, satu-satu. Last night kena ceramah lagi on the procedure of PhD in US for the hundredth of time. Ok, InsyaAllah one day. Anyway, in the conversation she said that maybe after this can go to university in the Northeast or Mid West. I was like noooo.. it's freezing cold there! Then she laughed at me saying, Ha! Dulu sibuk sangat nak pergi tempat ada snow la konon, nak pakai baju tebal-tebal, sekarang baru tahu.... hihi.

So yesterday, finally we were able to use our badminton racket that was bought during the coldest day of winter. It was fun to play in front of our house again. I used to play badminton with my dad and my brother when I was small. Then I married with someone who played badminton a lot and actually very good at it. However, since we lived in apartment at level 13, we never played any badminton except at Cyberjaya's court.

I bet my neighbours never saw people play badminton at the parking lot. Hehe... It was so much fun but at the same time tiring as I was against a good player. He didn't sweat at all and I was running and jumping all over the place. And laughing while playing is not advisable at all!

The sad thing is it's going to be raining for the whole week. Baru nak semangat...

Looking back

It's Friday night and I have 2 invitations to party. But I decided that blog surfing is way more interesting (OMG, I'm so old!) and Zainal was diligently studying his security books. After bored to death surfing Amazon (after deciding online shopping is waay more interesting than reading about people who I didn't know), I started to harass my housemate to stop study. I think he's the one who should be taking this Master instead of me. Hehe. After being ignored few times and decided that I rather not knowing things that I can't afford, I decided to read my earlier posts. I wanted to see how I have grown all these years.

I started the blog in 2005. I should have started it earlier, capturing every moment of LASIK pains. But I didn't and I missed the story of the worst medical experience I ever had. Well, in 2005 I was 22 years old. I was the confused, funny and sometimes angry final year undergraduate student. When I read it, my life seemed in such a mess that it made a good blogging material. Hehe.

Funnily I think I prefer my previous writing than now. Now I'm just a boring 26 year woman who still confused, not funny anymore and always angry last semester Master's student. Where have all my sense of humour and my selamba (as in I-don't-care-what-people-think-of-me-unless-I'm-happy attitude) attitude gone? Apparently working life has changed me a little bit (more like a lot).

What I'm proud is that I still managed to continue this blog, even though I don't update it as much as before, I still keep the same URL, still using the same blogging site provider and most importantly still true to myself. I don't have to be hypocrite in my blog just because to make sure that people think I'm a nice person (come on!).

To tell the truth, it wasn't easy to be yourself without hurting people even though you are doing it unintentionally. There are few posts that caused trouble to myself but I managed to go through it. When I read it again, I realized this kind of things that happened in my life that tought me and that make me smile. It seems funny now compare to 4 years ago.

So, my new year resolution (I keep making new year resolutions konon-konon masih new year la kan.. haha): To keep on writing, not just the serious and boring stuff, but all the stuff that made me, me.

Today I promised myself

I wish I had his strength and willpower not being a hypocrite. To accept when to delete a person from his life and when to accept which people worth retained. I couldn't do that. I'm a soft-hearted person who always think that maybe that they have 'reasons' why they did that to me (I learned that people always have 'reasons'). Even though they hurt me many times. Even though I despised that person, but on the outer layer I would put a smile, act like they are my good friends and brave the hurtful feeling inside.

So this new year, I've made a pact with myself. No more self-degrading. I will not let people play with my emotions, take advantage of me and use me. I will disregard those who fall in that category. Enough of this bullshit.

I'm done being at mercy of others because I thought I need them to make me happy. I hate feeling that they do me a favor by letting me being part of their 'gang'. Clearly, I wasn't voluntarily being accepted among them. I felt like as if they were forced to accept my presence just because we share our homeland.

Allah is the Most Beneficial. At the first day on this new year, He showed me the true face of my friends. I knew where I stand know and I intend to keep this stand intact. No more trying hard to be friend with them when clearly they don't even care about me.

So as today, I told myself, I will not let people control my happiness. I am my destiny.

The road ahead might be long and uncertain, but with my family and trusted friends, I know I'll be fine, InsyaAllah.

Here's to 2010

I'll have to make way to new year post before continue posting about my trip to Florida. It's this blog tradition on reminiscing the year before to welcome the new year. Hehe. I only realized that this year when I started to read back what I wrote on new year eves or new year days. Hmmm..

What happened in 2009? If I can give a theme for 2009, I would called it 'the learning year'. It's not only I started my graduate study but I've learned a lot from living alone in foreign land. Anyway, these were events that made impact on my 2009:

1. Celebrated the new year 2009 by sleeping all the way coz of jet lag with my mom.
2. Started my graduate study in Duke University.
3. Made a lot of new friends and reconnect old friends here in States and Malaysia.
   
4. Away from my husband for 184 days. I only spend 50% of the year with him.
5. Finally certified as Advanced PADI SCUBA diver.
   
6. Experience my first snow in Durham and finally experience all seasons.
7. Watched Duke Football and Basketball, and now I'm a true Blue Devil fan.
8. Visited many places this year - New York, Detroit, Chicago, Charleston, Washington DC, Miami, Orlando and Key West.
9. Visited 2nd Disney Land. 3 more parks to go?

In 2010, I hope to achieve more success especially in career and personal growth. Hope we can expand our lovely little family in 2010 too. Not forgetting to travel a lot, learn and experience new things and enjoy life more.

Happy New Year 2010 everybody!