Busy weekend

I think last weekend was so short. It's like so many things happened that I didn't have enough time for myself (read: sleep, sleep, sleep). Went to MATTA Fair last Friday night with Zainal and thank God, the people there was not THAT full. At least still can breath. We were walking so fast coz we only had 1 hour to see all the booth. Apperently for scuba diving package, the deal was the same even without the fair. At that moment I wish I won some money that I can indulge myself with holidays. I'm not asking so much, 5K would be enough. Hehe....

Then, we went scouting Ritz Carlton coz we had workshop the next day (ehem, ehem, baru ada kelas gi workshop kat Ritz Carlton). But end up stucked in the jam for I don't know many hours. And locating Rotz Carlton was not a piece of cake. Apparently, only those who know it only know that place. Normal people (like me, that don't need a butler to serve personally) would probably couldn't find it. HA..

The next whole day was filled with marketing strategy and delicious-but-tiny Ritz Carlton food. Seriously, the food was delicious. If only they serve more.... (wishful thinking again). That night we watched 300. People, this is one of the best movie this year. Seriously. If you don't like all the gross fighting scene, there's always meaty muscular and oh-what-a-delicious-body Spartan men to ogle with. Hehe...

Lastly, Sunday was the only day to malas-malas. Oh.... can't wait for the next weekend.

Peace

There's no peace in my heart lately.

Just pure unsafisfaction and hatred.

Everything seems very wrong.

I want everything but nothing obtained.

Ya Allah, please give me mercy and grant me some peaceful in my heart. Amiin...

Happy or meaningful?

Last week on Heroes (that episode 18 for those Malaysian that illegally download it), there's one part where Linderman asked Nathan Petrelli (okay, I'm not going to be a spoiler to those who faithfully follow the story at Astro) if he wants a happy life or meaningful life. Coz he said that you can't have both. If you want happy life, you enjoy your present without worrying about the past and future. If you choose meaningful life, you have to worry about your past and future.

Can we have both? Meaningful and happy. I think we can. If you lead a meaningful life, at your deathbed, you know you have life to the fullest and you'll be happy. If you lead a happy life, your life must be meaningful, right. I mean how come you live a happy meaningless life, do you get what I mean.

On the other hand, there are some people who live a meaningful life without being happy, right. He's become someone important in the country and society but at the same time he's too busy to take time and smell the roses. He missed out all the important people in his life. He's life is meaningful; contributing to country, but does he happy? Maybe not.

But I don't think there's people who is happy but has meaningless life. Nobody lead meaningless life except all that Mat Fit la. But then, they're not happy right. They depend on drugs to be happy (or false happy). Even you just a gardener or whatever, you are someone to somebody. You are somebody's father, mother, uncle, auntie, son, daughter, cousin, friend, wife or husband. So your life is meaningful. Every human Allah made is meaningful. But to find who is happy or not is different story.

So, what do you think? Do you think you are happy? I know you have meaningful life.

Hate me

The thing I learned when you are in a relationship is you should be happy if the other half is happy too even though that happiness does not include me. But why it's hard for me to get it into my head and apply that on my daily life is something I don't understand. Am I too selfish? Am I thinking that the world revolves around me?

Many times I have gone over the limit and ignore that important rule. Therefore, I wanted to apologize from the bottom of my heart what have I done last night and also before this.

But I have learned not to run from my problem and I did it. (Pat on back for myself). At that precise moment, I was thinking of packing my stuff and just walk out of that door. But I kept thinking that if I started doing it today, in future I might repeat it. Then I'll be the wife who run to her parents house because of some stupid argument. And I'll be sending my kids away coz I can't cope with them. No, I'm not going to be like that. I'll be hanging there even it's rip my heart out. I'll face the problem even though I don't know how to solve it. If I failed, at least I can say I've tried.

It was harder to do it than saying it. How you control every bit of your sanity and patience when the other person was totally ignoring even when you are next to them. How inside of you was planning every destructive plan that possible in that particular room but outside you were acting cool. This is not even considering that the other half of your brain was cursing you coz causing this misery. And one point, when all the anger turn to depression, all you want to do is to hurt yourself in return.

Hmm...I'm kinda hate myself right now.

Uncertainty of future

Have you ever want something badly that you patiently work hard and pray that finally archieved that? Then after achieving that, you feel that it's the best thing ever happen, even though there's some cons but overall it's bearable. After that you think that you need to move on to the next step and ready to fully embrace the choice. Suddenly you started to think.

Is it the right choice?
Should I wait maybe a little bit longer then something better come?
What if this IS the best and coz I ditched it, I'll lose it forever?
What if I move on with this, and suddenly better one arrive and I have to let the better one go coz I already commit to the first one?

The uncertainty of future is scary...
Sometimes I wish I can just relax and be happy with what I have right now.
Sometimes I wish I can work harder to get more money coz I want to try many new experience that needs money... like scuba diving, water rafting, absailing at waterfalls....

Ok, breathe in mun... and breathe out....
I'm trying to stop worrying stuff in the future. And trying to stop pressuring myself to please everybody and stop worrying about comparing myself with others. Yes, I'm very competitive. and it's tiring.

I know today at work that

I hate the smell of pine oil. It smells like minyak angin cap kapak but 10 times worst.

I know that by the third experiment using pine oil, I got migraine.

...because of that migraine, I know where is first aid room.

I know that after 10 minutes of searching Synflex at first aid room, Kak ZK think that it might be stolen.

....and Synflex is my only hope to reduce my migraine.

Good news is that my boss keep a stock of it too.

Bad news is that he needs that too for his migraine.

I also know that I'm going to be transferred to another department.

Good news that it's not confirmed yet.

Bad news is that if it's confirmed, I'm gonna miss working in R&D and miss a lots of parties.

I also know that I don't know what to write when I got my migraine.

.....even though I have a whole complete script in my head when I'm not suffering it.

Wishful thinking

What do you think of marrying at early age? Not an option right. A lot of people say you must be stable first than only you can think about getting married... bla..bla...bla..

Imagine this, when you married at an early age when you are a nobody in this world and together both of you struggle and work hard until you are an important person in the society. Would the taste of success would become sweeter? Together both of you trying to make ends to survive, starting online business to get extra money and rent a room coz can't afford a house. Then together both of you rise, gain more money and reputation... and finally, 50 years ahead, when both of you sitting side by side beside the pool with backgroud of posh mansion own by you on top of the hill overlook the city while you rest your head on his shoulder... you can say, "Remember honey when we were young, we were struggling to live but together we as a team, we finally made it." Then you can say that you have found your soulmate and at that moment, if God say that it's time for you to go, you won't be afraid coz you know that both of you can meet again in heaven perhaps...InsyaAllah. Or when he tell you that he's getting new wife when both of you already succeed, you can tell him (or reminisce the old stories to make him realize how both of you has struggle together and how he would ruin the perfect team if another member join in. He might at least would think twice if not cancel the plan. This actually works according to a friend of mine. Hehe).

But what if both of you already stable and successful when you get married, then you will think that you can live without him. You don't need each other to live. Marriage was like to fulfill you sexual needs, society expection and bore some children. He came when you are successful and might leave you when you become useless. When he took another wife or berpoya-poya with other girls, he would say that that's his money, he can do anything he want with it. You have no right in his property. On the bright side, at least when you divorce, there's no harta sepencarian. It's either his or hers.

So.... the conclusion of all this wishful thinking is that.... well, malu la nak cakap. Nevermind la... no conclusion. Oh yes, at least you will prevent more sins right.

Talk about wedding, congratulations to Yon who get married last Sunday... Semoga bahagia sehingga akhir hayat (not only until anak cucu ok...)

**Still can't stop grinning**

To the couple out there, Happy Lover's Day... No matter how hard you try to ignore that day, you can't. The celebration has become too commercialized by business people.

So we did opposite other people do. Instead of having lavish dinner at some posh restaurant that need to be reserved 3 days before which come with pricey tag, we cooked at home. That's something that we never did together. The whole point of valentine is to be together. So we bought all our preparation together and cooked together. That way, it's more economical and less stress (think of jam, parking space and slow waiter)

That was one wonderful night. Having dinner beside our 4 little fish, eating the food we prepared ourselves with candles (a must!), sparkling grape juice and together with your loved one.... what a girl can ask more?

But I felt bad for not giving him anything except secret recipe's cheese cake without writing my heart out. He gave me this beautiful card with oh-my-God-I'm-going-to-cair kind of message which written by him.

Well sayang, Thank you for wonderful 4 years and 9 months.... (the continual of the message will be private & confidential)

Well, people out there, jangan la jealous.... (grinning from ear to ear)

I see my bed today

I had terrible morning today, physically. Last night I played 2 rounds of badminton with Zainal and gang after few months of not exercising. As the result, my arms and legs ached. The worst part was the blister at my index finger of my right hand. This is the result of wrong handling of the badminton racket. I don't know why I hold the racket like that. It was the way I always do ever since I started playing badminton. Back then, I played quite often, so the skin can handle it but after how many years of not playing, even after 15 minutes of playing badminton, the skin at that area started to peel. It hurts.... isk isk isk.

For some reason I don't know my tongue also hurt. I couldn't remember if I accidentally bit it yesterday or if it's an ulcer. I hardly get any ulcer in my life compared to some people who will get one if they're stressed. My body works react differently if I'm stress. Not that I going to discuss it here.

In addition to all this problem, I have runny nose. I usually get this when I take cold shower in the morning. If it warm shower, then this problem won't happen. But since I moved to Kajang, I thought this problem was over coz even after cold shower, I didn't get runny nose. But these few weeks, I started had this problem again. Haih... It feel so uncomfortable. If this happened until afternoon, my eyes will look droopy which is so not attractive okay...

Well, I think I need to exercise more so that next time my body can become healthier, stronger and ready for any challenge (wow, very ambitious statement. Hehe...)

The tortoise crawling down the street...

Have you ever in the situation that everything around you become slow when you need to go fast? I mean, you need to get to another place in 1 hour and between that 1 hour you need to eat your dinner, change your clothes etc. And that moment too, the nasi lemak seller was packing the nasi lemak in the slowest mode he could do. And you were not the only customer there. In front of you there were 7 hungry people waiting patiently for that turtle to pack their nasi lemak. At that moment you felt that if this is lawless country, you'll be strangle him. Huh.

Then you go to the place that you need to go and found that you were already late and have to postpone your plan to tomorrow. Since you have nothing to do, you went shopping. But you realized that you have no money. Fret not, ATM just nearby and there's only 1 customer in front of you. You stand behind him smilling face waiting for your turn. Then you realized that the person in front of you are reading (more like spelling, I guess) every words at the screen before slowly push the button. Finally after few minutes, he finished withdrawing his money. But wait, he's pulling out another card. And another... Thank God he has only 3 ATM cards... Cik abang, tak cukup lagi tu... Credit card tak nak cuba? MyKad pulak ke?

Walking happily with money now, you decided to buy some food. After walking around the supermarket, you only can find 1 food that you actually want to buy (food that you WANT to eat not buy would be a lot la kan). You queuing in the express lane where 8 items or less were allowed. But then a person in front of you have a trolley full of things which was so obvious more than 8 items la. When came his turn, dengan muka selamba dia keluarkan barang dia. The cashier refused to accept and hooray to you, he cut down half of his item. Hahaahahahahaah. Padan muka...

So what would you do if this day happen to you? All I can said is, patience is the key.

My camera

Finally I got this....Not the manual book only, it comes with camera of course. Huhu...

Supposed to be secret from my parents, but just now my dad just found out because Naqib was sesuka hati took the picture of this..

For you info, this is the view from the verandah of my house.

And I can do this...

Welcome to my crib!!

These 3 days were full with crazy pictures like these:

Naqib rase dier nampak kurus dalam gambar ni. Ye ke? Ape-ape je la...

Flora Fest and 2 goldfishes

Last weekend Zainal and I went to Flora Fest 2007 at Putrajaya. The parade was at 8am but we purposely missed it coz we just want to see the floating car. Actually it's not 'we', it was more like 'me'. At 2.30pm at Putrajaya, it was not agood idea to be outdoor. But by doing my usual pleaaassee... big eyes and alah, kita tengok kejap je, we finally inside the big air-con tent. Thank God for the air-con. Here's some pictures. Oh yes, we met Mai and Wira. And because of the unplanned visit, I didn't have camera with me and used only my 2.0 mp phone camera. Hmmm... the pictures were not so nice la. Anyway, here goes my fav.
Sabah was the best one I think. Kedah was so serabut and Perlis was the smallest. Others were so-so.

Alamak. Gambar dengan Mai tak clear la. The last time I saw her was on our convo day (ye ke? or at her sister's engagement? Lupa lak). How time flies...

Oh yes, we bought another 2 fishes; 2 goldfishes named Borat and Buran, at the Flora Fest. I know it's supposed to be where you buy flowers but we can't resist to be these 2 beautiful creature. Now we have Borat, Buran, Cumi, Ciki and Ciko. Cikang died 3 days ago.Borat and Buran think they are next DBKL fish. But at a positive side, they actually clean up the aquarium.

Finally I have pets again. My life felt missing if I don't have an animal to be take care of. (But this one Zainal will take care of them).
And I love watching them swimming around.
I felt peace and calm.

Monday Blues

Something funny happened this morning. One guy fell asleep while waiting the traffic lights turned green. At first I was wondering why he hasn't moved. Then when I drove pass him, I saw he was sleeping. Must be very tiring watching Arsenal beat Man Utd. Hehe.. Pity that fellow. All the cars and lorries behind him kept honking when he's happily dreaming in La-la Land. I don't know if he ever wake up. Thank God I'm not in that lane. If yes, it won't be a funny story anymore. Huhu.

I can't sleep last night, so I made a promise to myself. I promised myself not to mention the M-word to anybody from today onwards. What going to happen will happen. For now, I would enjoy and appreciate life as it is. Nothing I can change though.

And yes, we are thinking of opening a business. Hmmm.... must prepare the business plan first, then we can start it by February? InsyaAllah. Any ideas for a company name?

Oh, we got ourself 4 pairs of fish last Saturday. Cute, colourful and small fish. We promised to take care our little pets together. So he brought them home first. By this morning, 2 fishes already died. Natural causes or human error? Hehe... Just hope I still can take care of them by the end of this week.

Desperately in Love

All I want is to be with him. Is that one fact that too hard to swallow? I need to be with him everyday. Being with him complete my day. It's not that I can't live without him; I can, but my day wouldn't be so satisfying.

It's like eating rice. You don't die if you don't eat rice. You still can eat bread, mee or anything else. But after a week or so, you crazed for rice. Eating rice make your whole meal complete.

Same here. He's not my life machine support. I still can breath, still can eat, still can go to work but the air would feel so damp, the food don't taste that good and works stress me out.

So why you need hundreds of reason to be together. One reason is sufficient enough for me. I don't need colourful resume to be king of my heart. I'm not a multinational seeking employees. I just want to be with someone whom I love and love me back.

How I wish life would be that simple. Then I would be one happy woman.

Reason to buy

Marriage is not something that can be done easily. It's not only unite 2 people, but also 2 families. It also become the base of the birth of future souls. Therefore, a suitable partner and family should be choosed. I remember my uncle used to tell me that you are not marrying one person only but the whole family as well. So marrying in the 30-minutes Las Vegas chapel or Siam does not an option for me (even though I always think about doing that lately... in Siam of course. Daripada pergi Las Vegas, baik kahwin elok-elok kat sini, lagi murah..Hah).

So marriage might not so imminent for me (at this hours at least). This is because both families seem like they still wouldn't let go their only daughter and their last son. However, this is not what my friends think... check this out. A poll for who's going to get married soon (after Yon obviously). I won! I won!!! I love winning!!!
Since I have no plan when I'm going to get married, so why deprived myself from buying stuff that I really want? Why should I save money for something that I don't know when it's going to happen? Maybe next month, next year or maybe next 10 years? Who knows????

Therefore, I'm going to add my gadgets collection with this sleek Kodak V705 digital camera. With 7.2 mega pixels, dual lens and others fantastic features, I'm going to get it when the next paycheck in. I'm so not patient to wait for this new camera.

No mood

For one thing, I felt like going home. It just that I don't have any mood to do any job. Yes, I admit. That time of the month again. Hehe... Get easily irritated with everything. Haih.

Tried to call someone for a lunch date but no answer. I tried to be positive and hope that he's sleeping. That's the one valid reason I will accept. Haha...

Beginning of the year means new calender. Suppliers send a lot of calender, planner and diary. I got one calender and one diary. Enough for me. But I already wrote something on that calender and then my boss give me another calender that I like. At least no pictures of pharma products... Bosan ok. But, trying not to be greedy here, I gave to someone else. At one time people will lelong diaries and calender. Who want this, who want that.

Well, the first person who received diaries has a previlege of chossing the best diary. People will come to her table and said, Eh, what a nice planner. Got another one? Huhu... sorry, the early bird gets the worm.

Arghhh... I want to go home and sleep. I want to sleep in his cuddle.....

2006 highlights

Tomorrow is Hari Raya Aidil Adha and the day after tomorrow is New Year's Day. So Selamat Hari Raya and Happy New Year!!!

Since 2006 will end in less than 26 hours, I would like to take this opportunity to highlight the events that occurred in 2006 for me. Let see...

1. I finally graduated from my tertiary level of education. And that's mean, I already left the school for 6 years... wow.
2. Went to various job interview (yes, various kind of jobs)
   
3. I get my first job and left it after 3 weeks...
4. I get my second job and still holding on...
5. Went to various exams (PTD- twice & fail, TOEFL, GRE)
6. First time celebrated my birthday with my friends in UM, yes, after 4 years... well, better late than never kan.
7. Gain weight, after 9 years of stagnant weight. (ho ho, be careful what you wish. Skrang bermasalah la plak nak maintain weight. Dulu susah sangat nak naikkan weight).
8. Improve my relationship with Zainal.
9. Latest addition: only few days ago, my parents finally let me staying at a rented house in Bangi. Finally, no more 45 minutes of driving to work + everyday overspeed (have to ok, if not I'll be late).
10. Continous harmonious relationship in the family... which is the greatest gift of all time.
11. Oh yes, I got a new niece... Adriana si comel dan garang.

Well.... hopefully 2007 brings more happiness in me... like abah's promise & a wedding bell perhaps? Anyway, let's hope the best for everyone.

C*I*N*T*A

I know this is old news and a lot of bloggers have been writing about this movie. But I love this movie. Cinta show that the new era of Malaysian film has come and the audiance will not feed with Yusof Haslam & Razak Mohideen movie only. No offence to them, but I think that their movies are not worth my 2 hours and 10 bucks to see them.

I watched this movie twice. New record for me. For someone who hardly (I can count with 1 hand) watched Malay movie, this is something big ok. The first one was with my girlfriends 3 days after opening and the second one with my boyfriend just last week. I never thought that it would be that good. What do you axpect from a film that advertised in the radio with an abstract like this: " Majalah ni tak boleh jual." " Ia boleh jual kalau diletakkan di sini." Ape ni? So I was following my girls' idea of watching it. At the end, I was the one who cried a bucket. Sampai lebam mata tu. But it's not fair coz the others were trying to make sure they didn't ruin their make up. But I just couldn't hold my tears, boleh kena migrain you know. Thank God I didn't wear mascara that day or people will mistake me for WWF panda.

The movie showed different kinds of love. It showed that love is universal. It can happen to anyone, anywhere and at any stage of life. Initially I thought it would turn out to be like Love Actually but I think this is better. Maybe the idea was not so original, but how the director connected all 5 stories was brilliant. The cinematography was fantastic. Even Kampung Abdullah Hukum looked beautiful in that story and it showed many faces of Kuala Lumpur.

I'm so into this movie until Zainal download the whole soundtrack album for me. I love all the songs especially Without You by Same Same & Jac. Sampai 2-3 kali la repeat tu. Ntah ape2 la plak bila fikir balik. Hehe.

Well, those who hasn't watch it, please go and watch it with your love ones. It's worth it. Like Ashlee Simpson said, "L O L O V E".

I want to run away

Have you ever thought of running away without telling anyone for awhile? Maybe a week or two.
Just to clear your head and escape from your problems.
Just to escape from everybody's rules and give yourself a freedom that you always wanted.

I wish I had the guts to do that. Really. I wish...

But then, this face popped out in my head...

On second thought, maybe I should bring him too.
Coz he makes my day worth living and take away all my pains.
He's the only one who actually listen to what I say and what I feel.
I need him.

I had a nightmare .... and you were in it

I dreamed that you left me last night. You left me for my friend that just come back from UK. You ignore me totally and was with her all the time. I was fine the first 3 days but the fourth day, I was livid. I was hoping you came back to me. But after waiting, I realized you weren't coming back. I asked you for the reasons but you just ignored me. You made me looked like a fool. I was begging you to at least tell me the reasons so that I understand my mistake. After few days you finally spoke up. I wish I never asked that question. You told me that you never love me anyway. You said I was selfish, ignorant and act like I was too good to be true. It just broke my heart completely. You said that she's the one you love. I remembered your face and how you said it. It was so cruel. It felt like you have no regret about this whole thing.

I woke up and I cried. I immediately took wudhu' and performed solat. I pray that this will not going to happen. I know how hard it is coz I've experinced once. I don't want to feel that feeling again. I pray that our relationship will stay strong until the end of our life with love and happiness surround us.

I've been dreaming weird stuff lately. I must wash my feet really hard and double my doa sebelum tidur this times.