Melancholy Me

When I'm sick and not feeling well, I have this hostile feeling to everyone around me. I easily get angry and annoyed by even smallest things. I hate jokes at this moment coz I felt like they are mocking my life. I sulked and become very quiet. However deep down inside, I want people to pamper me, give me more attention and at least sympathize my misfortune. But who would want to do that if I threat them badly?

Lately, I've been dreaming my high school a lot. The people, surrounding, teachers, my friends.... and it seem so peaceful, yet so alive. I missed that so much and the dreams make my wanna go to that place again. I want to meet one of my friend that I dreamed of last night. It seem that ages we haven't seen each other. I missed our talks and laughter.

I wanna go back to the place where life is much more happier and relaxed. I want to return to life where everyone wasn't that competitive and life is not about winning all the time. I want to meet all the people that you don't have to feel like a loser even though you are one. They don't make you feel one and always welcome you no matter in what condition you are in right now. They are the people that always make you feel like home no matter how long you haven't met them. I wanna meet them. I wanna meet all of them. I miss every single of them. I miss my schooling buddies. All the Subang people...

Help Me Doc! Part 2

Alhamdulillah my throat infection has somehow healed slowly. Remember the previous post where going to the doctor actually making me worse. Well, I found this in my cough syrup's instruction:

Contrainductions
It should be avoided in patients with liver disease or ASTHMATIC patients....

No wonder for all the symptoms I've experienced these few days. Unfortunately, I only read this when the syrup bottle was almost empty.

After the throat infection, now the acute sinusitis turn to attack me. The worst one was last night when half of my head, including my eye, jaw and cheek, was throbbing with pain. Tried all the home remedy that I can think of including putting a warm towel on my head, put water in my nose (I don't know why I can think of this method, but I was desperate) and lastly I gave up and slept. Apparently nothing can take away my sleep, I actually managed to sleep almost 12 hours last night. (I woke up earlier but found out the headache didn't go away and I slept back).

After the last episode of doctor visit, I only went to pharmacy to buy my sinus medicine. And back to my old friend, Panadol, for my headache.

Help Me Doc!

I was coughing from last week and 3 days ago, I felt something funny at my throat. Asked my brother and he said it just throat infection. Need to go to doc? No need, just take strepsils and gurgle the antiseptic mouthwash. But it took sometimes to heal.

Being stubborn and wanted to heal fast, (including persuasion from my dad) I went to see my dear doctor. He gave me antibiotic and cough syrup (it will you drowsy, but it's ok doc, now I got more reason to sleep). Well, I thought I'm gonna heal fast but I getting worse now. Before this the cough is because the itchiness in the throat but now, it just pure cough without any reason with excessive secretions. The cough is getting frequent and painful. Rase macam nak tercabut tekak batuk. (Just hope this will not lead to asthma). At the same time I realized that your body would become tired easily.

Wonder why going to the doctor has made it worse? Hmmm....

Ps: Really pissed off with my cousin just now who didn't understand my health condition and forced me to bring her to Kepong (which according to her is near to my house) to meet her bf for just 15 minutes. Thank God, Naqib saved the day and be my driver today. (Note: This medicine may cause drowsiness. If affected do not DRIVE or operate machinery).

Memories from Spring Cleaning

I was cleaning my bookcase the other day and I found things that bring back so much memories during the life after secondary school. Not mentioning 6 unused files from lever clip, spring clip, clear holder to document case... every files that you can find at stationary shop. Then I found few notebooks (different sizes and types!) that I only used few pages and the others all blank. The most interesting finding was my journals (I have few that was used at different time) that I wrote when I was not really trust internet for all my thoughts. Here's one of the thought that I wrote when I was homesick at Kuala Pilah matriculation (yes, I was there for 1 month before I ran to Asasi). I wrote the title as 'A Kind of Love'. (And yes, my school friends voted me as most jiwang gal).

Love is something that two people share. But how about a love that only a person feel? Like people say, if you clap one of your hand, it won't make any sound. But some people say love is not necessary to possess the one you love. You can love someone but the one you love doesn't love you.

But what's the point of loving somebody that doesn't love you? Sometimes when you love somebody so much, you just don't care whether they love you or not. But this kind of love doesn't bring you anywhere, isn't it?

There is a time in your life when your love was rejected by other people. Some people would move on, some people would try until their love was accepted, but some would always love them in silent.

Silent love is a painful disease with no cure. Inside the heart, a voice is screaming, crying and begging to be the one it's love. And of course it would never happen unless he try. So, to satisfy a heart, a voices that came out from the one it's love, a smile and a glinch of her face could be a cure.

But what if this silent love would stay forever in his heart and never accepted anybody else. He would stay in the past and refuse to move on. People like this would find it hard to love someone else. This would waste their life for something they can't have. Isn't it sad?

Somehow, forgetting somebody who you have falling in love is not as easy as ABC. This is worse when someone that you love is your bestfriend. It's like losing a bestfriend and love at the same time.

Patience is the best remedy to this disease. But if it's too long, give up. Give a chance to your heart to love someone else. Maybe this is your true love. A love that will love you back. Maybe, I said maybe, you'll love happily ever after. Hey, 'false hope is better than no hope at all'.

25 March 2001

Was broken hearted at that moment about someone... When I think back, it was a wait that worth it.

Rejuvenated

Just come back from Port Dickson after 3 days rejuvenating my body, mind and soul there. It was much needed holiday after all the stressful episodes. It was wonderful vacation with 7 Tengs that will last in the 500 MB digital photos memory. Hehe.

The days were packed from morning till midnight. After check-in, we immediately went for a ride in banana boat, followed by swimming by the beach, swimming in the pool before retreated to the room. After dinner (at a restaurant that gave us discount RM15!) heart-to-heart session was done in the room. The next day, we went to Melaka and Kak Farah's house (wah, macam nak balik kampung... best rumah tu... so calming in the middle of orchard). The last day, we went to Ostrich Farm in PD. Everybody got a certificate for riding an ostrich (boleh masuk resume ke ni?).

I never hold so many animals in 2 days - albino rattlesnake, crocodile, rabbits, ostrich, horse and crabs. Maybe I should work at WWF. Anybody wants to give me a job there?

Anywhere but Here

I felt suffocating here. The air is thick with anger, sadness and fakeness. I can't breath in this condition. I just want to get out from here.

It's getting more stressful and tension since I started to stay here full time after finishing my study. Everything is about money. And money that makes us suffer. Damn it.

I've been suffering from headache for almost a week now and Panadol has been my best friend. Been taken it everyday, sometimes I feel like drug addict. Last night asthma attacked me in the middle of the night. This is worse than exam + thesis. This is going to last forever.

Somebody let me out from here. Please.

2 Celebrations Part II

Apparently somebody wanted to be included in the list of people who send me wishes for my birthday (nampak sangat ketidak ikhlasan. hehe, no la, just joking) so here goes.... Thank you En Adib for your wish in both birthday and presentation, and recommendation letter. Rase malu plak bile org puji kite, rase tak layak utk pujian tu.

I forgot to mention that day, Faraha called me wishing me happy birthday, like she always do every year. Miss her so much. Gonna crash her house this holiday. Be prepared!!

2 Celebrations

Today is my anniversary with Zainal. Wow, 4 years already. Never thought would last this long. Last 3 days was my birthday. The best ever!!

23rd birthday has no significant meaning like 21 which symbol freedom and 17 which you can take driving license. But this birthday was special to me. In 4 years I studied in UM, this is the first time I can actually celebrated with my friends. Before this it always fell on semester break. The other reason was on that day itself, I finished my undergraduate study (unofficially). And lastly, I actually celebrated my birthday 2 nights in the row!

My birthday celebration started at 5 pm actually. That's the time that I passed up my thesis. The whole night I was doing the final editing before I had to pass it up on my birthday. The only celebration I got was birthday wishes from a lot of people (sangat2 terharu). The first night was celebration with my guy. We had our dinner at Chili's before watching Mission Impossible 3 (he bought us a Gold Class ticket! Jakun giler first time masuk. Hehe. Tapi best). By the way, Chili's food was marvellous. Now I know why people recommended that place.

Then the whole second day was spend sleeping apart going to faculty and realized the computer lab was closed coz it was Friday afternoon. Sigh. That night was a celebration with my girlfriends, Tengs. We went to Muara Seafood in Port Klang. It was 1 hour drive (coz we used the old road, but on the way home we realized that using highway can actually shorten the time to half) but the food was worthwhile. We actually couldn't managed to finish everything (talk about ordering with empty stomach) plus there was a 1.6 kg Secret Recipe cake to be eaten. 7 girls finally gave up after a while. Was laughing the whole night and oblivious to the surround people (we're not in the best shape for calon isteri that night - and all other times too, girls should allow to have fun, don't they). Hehe.

Overall, it was the best birthday ever. Thanks for all the presents; watch from Zainal, frame/jewellary box from Tengs, keychain from Jin Ho (pronouced Cino) and books from Naqib (thanks for not buying the LOTR pendant) and Abang. Thanks for your remembrance and wishes from En Azlan, Peja, Phahmeen, Leen, Liya, Acik, Mai, Nik Faris, Nida, one unknown no, Jarinah, Safiyah and Kak Farah. And all the testimonial in Friendster (I will reply this personally, I promise but I can't say when. Huhu) Adlina, Zainal (again), Faisal, Shahnon, Yonz, Leena, Lisa, Ivy and Kicap.

PAGE for Final Year Biomed Student

This is done while revising for Artificial Intelligence 4 days ago. (nampak sangat tak belajar)

Percept - notes, journals, lab sheets, book, powerpoint presentation, notice, sometimes movies

Action - sleep, thesis experiments, sleep, lab experiment, sleep, eat, watching movies, sleep, sleep in class, walking to class, walking to photostat0 shops, sleep

Goal - to finish the thesis, assignment, lab reports and presentation, sleep as much as we can, and still keep our sanity

Environment

• Partial accessible - see what we can see or what we choose to see, ignore those which make our life hell
• Stochastic (Non-deterministic) - Don't know what going to happen in the future. Take life one step at the time and enjoy every moment of it.
• Episodic - do stuff according to the emotion mostly, never thinks what the censequences in the future. Like sleeping all the time and having fun all the time without realizing works is still pending.
• Dynamic - the environment still moving, even though we still standing here watching people.
• Partial discrete - still moving continously but also discrete when in exam. (Yelah, karang kena tangkap meniru plak). And if you are a Teng, you are never discrete.

Type of agent

Combination of these agents:

• Goal Based Agent - the goal is to get out of UM with a degree. So, will do anything to get a degree.
• Utility Based Agent - try to archieve the goal with the easiest and simpliest way. Like copying and pasting.
  

Well, finally I finished my 4 years of undergraduate study (Please Dr Amir, don't fail my AI).