The little girl asked...

A 10-year-old girl: Can I join a trip to Malacca organised by my sekolah agama this coming school holidays? Ustaz and ustazah will join too.

Dad: No, you can't. There will be boys and the teachers won't be able to monitor all of you.

A 10-year old girl: Hmmm... Ok.

A 11-year-old girl: Dad, can I go to the Girls' Scout camping organised by the district Girls' Scout? Only few  girls are chosen from my school.

Dad: No, you can't.

A 11-year-old girl: But why? There would be no boys. It's all girls camping activities.

Dad: The teachers would be able to take care all of you. You might not be safe.

A 11-year-old girl: Hmmmmm... Ok.

A 12-year old girl (still trying her luck): Can I join the camping organised by school at the end of the year? It's for all Standard 6 students after finishing UPSR. Almost everybody is going to go.

Dad: No, you can't. Remember what I said about the boys.

A 12-year-old girl: Hmmmmmmmmm... Ok.

Dad: If you really want to go camping, I'll bring you one day.

That girl refused to join any uniform club at secondary school as she knew she won't be able to go anywhere for any activity.

A 16-year-old girl: My club is having an overnight activities at school this weekend. Can I go? I mean, I have to go coz I'm the secretary of that club. We will stay overnight at school and of course teachers will be there.

Dad: No, you can't. 

A 16-year-old girl: But dad, my teacher made it compulsory to attend this.

Dad: It's ok. I'll fetch you when the activities are over at night and send you first thing in the morning so you don't miss anything. I'll talk to the teachers.

A 16-year-old girl: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A 18-year-old: Weeeeeee.... I got a good result for my SPM. I'm going to apply to further my study oversea.

Mom & Dad: *Quietly praying she didn't get it*

A 18-year-old girl: I can't believe I was rejected. All my friends is going away! I work hard for this and yet... T_T

Two years later that girl found out that 'somebody' that knew 'someone' in the committee asked that 'someone' to reject her application. She was furious.

And... At 19-year-old, that girl still hasn't experienced any camping with her dad. One day her dad told her to go any camping she was interested in coz he's quite old to bring her. At that point, that girl felt that she was too old to experience camping for the first time while her friends were seasoned campers. 

A 27-year-old (married, have stayed overseas for 1.5 years and traveled alone more that twice): My husband and I will move out and rent a house near our office by end of this month.

Mom & Dad: *2 weeks of silence treatment to them*

That 27-year-old was accused of being ungrateful by others because she wanted to move out to build her own family with her HUSBAND. 

Suddenly all the bloodbaths, wars and protests across the world in the name of freedom make sense to her. People will do anything for freedom. And she will.

Pray for Japan

Now, every time I felt life is hard, I thought about all the photos of the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan and I thank God that Malaysia hasn't been involved in any devastating natural disaster. I remembered all the stories of the brave and resilience Japanese people faced this disaster. How they help each other even though they are not in the best comfort. 

Sometimes I wonder what happened if disaster like this happen in Malaysia? Nauzubillah. But are we ready for disaster management? Are we as brave, as discipline, as tolerance as the Japanese? I hope we are. I still have hope for Malaysian. And I am praying this will not happen to Malaysia.

For now, I stop complaining and start being thankful for everything. I'm sure Allah has His own plan for me.

These are satellite photos before and after the earthquake+tsunami in the area that was hit.

North of Sendai

North of Sendai

Sendai

Source: NY Times

I pray that the nuclear crisis will not be as bad as Chernobyl and will be fixed soon. 

Launching of Discovery Shuttle

Discovery Shuttle has landed yesterday, 9^th March 2011 at 11.57 am EST (12.57am Malaysia time). That would be the end of her 39^th mission (STS 133) and also the last mission before her retirement. She had racked 240 millions kilometers since she started 27 year ago and spend 365 days total in space.

Why I’m so obsessed with this space shuttle? Because I was there in Cape Canaveral, Florida to watch her 38^th mission launched. Mission Discovery STS-131 was launched on April 5 2010, at 6.21 am EST. It was a dream came true for me. Sorry Disney, NASA can make dreams come true too, you know.

I knew there were launchings and landings event in the Kennedy Space Centre (KSC) but I never thought that one day I’ll be witnessing it. We even missed visiting KSC during our Florida trip due to tight budget though it was one of my places that need to visit in US.

It so happened one of my friends in Duke told us about his experience watching the launching of space shuttle and I was hooked. He suggested why don’t we do a road trip to Orlando and watch the next launch. I immediately said yes and recruited few of my friends to join. Recruiting my friends was easy, the hard part was to convince my hubby. He wasn’t thrilled with the idea of driving 8 hours to a same place again when we just visited that place 3 months ago. I convinced him that my friend will drive and we will just pay for petrol and such. Then I excitedly explained to him why this is important to me: the fact that my childhood ambition to be an astronomer, the fact that I always wanted to have a telescope but it’s too expensive for 14 years old, the fact that I love everything about space (except Star Trek) and I can show him evidences of the number of books on astronomy at my home when we come back. Finally he gave in and I told my friend to buy us 2 tickets.

The ticket of the launching usually sold out within hours of opening. In fact in 2010, the tickets were sold out within 1 hour after it was opened to public because the announcement by Obama that the space shuttle program will be discontinued soon. NASA will have to finish up whatever missions for 2010 and they will no more space shuttle program. Besides Discovery, Atlantis and Endeavour also will be retired soon. So that was another reason why I should watch this. My friend managed to get the tickets as he bought it within few minutes the online counter opened. I was so happy.

The thing about space shuttle is they really really need to emphasize on the safety of their crew. If they think the date that chose wasn’t suitable due to weather or technical problems, they will postpone. Initially the launched was planned on 18^th March 2010 but it was postponed to April 5 2010. When they postponed the date, all my friends decided they didn’t want to go. Man! I was devastated. I have two options: 1) to abandon the trip and burned my tickets or 2) just proceed with the trip with my hubby. After much deliberation (and the fact that my friends went to DC for cherry blossom also interest me at that time), we decided that we should proceed with the trip (cherry will bloom every year anyway!).

On the April 4, we drove to Orlando. Since hotel in Orlando is cheaper than Titusville (the closest town with hotel), we decided to stay there. Also the Halal food is abundant there. From Orlando to Cape Canaveral took around 30- 45 minutes only. We arrived around 6pm and after checking in, we went for dinner. Immediately after dinner, we slept for few hours coz we planned to drive there at 1 am. Crazy I know, coz the launching only at 6.21am EST. But we wanted to get a good spot & parking.

Upon arriving there, I grabbed my sweater and my orange blanket. Zainal refused to bring his sweater and even food. I forced him to bring some Gatorade, biscuits and bottled water. I know it was in Florida, The Sunshine State but this was at 1 am in the morning and the temperature can drop further. Guess who is right? Guess who has to wear my orange blanket at 3am? Huhu…

The ticket we got entitled us to enter Kennedy Space Center the next day too besides that night itself. There is another ticket, more expensive, where you actually can watch the launching nearer than anybody else. There were shuttle buses that brought these ticket bearers to a place that was closest view you can get to see the space shuttle shot up. That tickets were harder to get coz usually the agents would buy it first and sold it at higher price. Unfortunately, I didn’t buy that ticket. My ticket entitled me to watch it at KSC Visitor Center, which is the next best thing. 

At the Kennedy Space Center, you can felt the atmosphere of excitement. There was a big screen showing the current situation at the launching pad. I saw the astronauts were putting their space suits and get ready since 3am. My husband remarked when seeing that:

Husband: There’s a reason why you are not an astronaut.

Wife: why?

Husband: Coz after all the staff put you in the space suit and get you ready, suddenly you need to go to toilet.

Wife: Hahahahahah…. You are right.

Oh well, I can never be an astronaut anyway. 

We walked around the space center taking photos with the rockets, exhibitions and shopping there while waiting for the launching. The store was so cool! There’s so many stuff I wanted to buy, including the space blanket, but I ended up with a magnet and an envelope. Boring! Then we realized that more people have arrived and we need to reserve a spot for us. I was thinking of reserving a spot on the grass, but morning dew has wet the ground. So we sat at one of the picnic table. We shared that table with a Canadian family who came all the way from Canada.

At rockets garden

With one of the shuttle exhibited there

The crowd

Then the moment has come. 15 minutes before the launch, we could see International Space Station visible like a bright star over the Cape skyline. I thought it was normal practice, but it’s actually a rare occasion. Everybody was ‘oooooohhhhhh’ and ‘aaaaaahhh’ while looking up. I was thinking it was a welcome gesture by the staff in ISS to the Discovery. What a wonderful sight.

Then the countdown began.

"It's time for you to rise to orbit. Good luck and Godspeed," launch director Pete Nickolenko told the astronauts right before liftoff.

"Let's do it!" replied commander Alan Poindexter.

And off they go and the rest is history. Let’s pictures tell my story (after long introduction…hehe) :

The sky in the morning after the launching was unusual but beautiful...

We walked around to exhibitions that we missed (or too tired and sleepy) to go...

See who is wearing the orange blanket.... hehe... Inside one of the space shuttle...

Sleepy & tired & ready to go back

And guess what happened on our way back? 2 hours of not moving traffic congestion to Orlando. ARRRRGGGHHH...

Must be my lucky day

Finally, after 27 years of living, I won a lucky draw.... =)

At my friend's twin second birthday...

All the kids there must be hating me.

I don't care, I WON SECOND PLACE IN LUCKY DRAW!

Take that little kids!

Muaaahahahahahhaha (evil laugh)

What was funnier, third & second place won by Subang girls! The others might think that my friend do it on purpose, but believe me, we were just that lucky... haha... (Look how happy we were)

Ps: Dear God, please keep away adult like this at my future kids' birthday parties.... ;)

Baja di taman hatiku

Heard in the office today:

Dalam hatiku ada taman, dan kau adalah baja untuk tamanku - JHK

Sounds so romantic right? Not if you are the 'baja'. Coz 'baja' made from urmmm... Poo?

Hahahaa...

Yeah, we have crazy bunch of people.

Great and simple teambuilding tool

Every team and company would love a strong team relationship in their team and company. This is because great team bonding can creates great results. But sometimes it's hard to create one without having to spend so much money in sending the teams to courses and paying trainers to build the bridge. However, I discovered a great and simple teambuilding technique. All you need is a room and a round table. Yes, only round table, not square, rectangular pentagon or heart shape table. Force all the team members to use the round table as their work station (ask them to bring all their stuff including laptops) and make them work there for at least 1 month. After few weeks you will realize that the team will bond together and the walls between them is longer there.

I noticed this new idea when my office has to be evacuated as we are renovating it. So we have to move to our subsidary company for time being. We are given a meeting room with round table as our work place. Imagine 6-7 of us using the round table for few weeks. First few days, everybody was not comfortable and complain about the chairs, the smell of the room and even the view. Slowly after that I realized we started to talk a lot while doing our work. We discussed everything under the sky including the origin of drag queen, building our own country, celebrities gossip and even our own personal lives. Without we realized it, we started to have lunch together, buy food and share it and even have our own private joke. I noticed that a colleague that used to have lunch alone started to join us, two colleagues that weren't talking due to conflict (but only talk about works) started to have casual conversation and other teams started to motivate another team. We even have our official drink, which is Toastbox's Teh C (Starbucks & Coffee Bean are forgotten now).

You know what the effect of this changes, productivity has improved. People are no longer going home before 6.30pm and staying late doing work is not longer a burden. Everyone is having a good time while doing work. I no longer feel drag to stay at the office after 6pm when works was crazy. We even reminded each other about solat time.

This is the result of round table. It has no edges or borders to show whose area is it. We share the same space and after a while, we learn how to respect each other and also enjoy the works. So give it a try and see if it is working for your team. But unfortunately this method only work for team below 10. If more than that, it won't be easy to place everyone in a table and a room.

Football again

I grew up with a dad who loves discussing sports. It doesn't matter if you are a daughter or a son, as long as you have him as a father, you are entitled to join in the discussing and should be able to tell him what was the score of last night's match. So I grew up knowing sports news and started to read about it so that I won't be left out. But my dad attempts to get me into sport was a failure. It started with golf which failed miserably on the first day, then squash which was not so bad but was not enjoyed by many, and then there are few other sports that I halfway joined. Hey, at least I tried right. Huhu.

The first game I installed when I got a computer when I was 14 was Premier League Manager. Why? Coz Zainal played that. Haha. We were classmates and when I asked him what game was good, he said that. Apparently he didn't know much about girl at that age and I was blinded by our *ahem* friendship *ahem* and played that game. That was the most boring game ever. What you do was trying to manage a team and then watched the player played (more like tiny dots moving around) and suddenly the results came out. After few weeks I gave up. Without I knowing it, I actually learned a lot about football.

Then I have a Manchester United fanatic fan as a brother. He patiently taught me what is offside and now I can proudly yell offside without being wrong. *smile proudly*

So when I got married, it wasn't hard at all for me to understand the football needs of my husband which including converting me into supporting and knowing his favourite team. But most importantly to understand that it's ok he wanted to watch the game with his friends tonight even though he is super tired and sleepy. Coz Chelsea is against Liverpool tonight yo! And Torres just moved from Liverpool to Chelsea... like few days ago...

Another football related story: There are 3 teams in my family - Manchester United (little brother), Chelsea (hubby) and Liverpool (dad & big brother). That day, my dad bought a Liverpool jersey and my mom found it ridiculous for my dad to wear it while my dad found it embarrassing to wear it coz Liverpool kept on losing. He gave it to my big brother but he found the size was quite small for him. So dad wanted to give it to my lil bro or hubby which both of them wanted to make it kain pengelap kaki. Then dad took it back and left it in his wardrobe. Guys! -_-

Let's make me a winner

This is a sticky post...... newer post below...

Dear my valuable readers (not so many but you are valuable to  me), please help me winning this competition by voting for my post.

All you need to do is click this link -->  Let's Make Munm a Winner!

Then scroll down the list and look out for no 30.

Click 'like' and hurrah! you make me the happiest people in cyberspace.

Quick, do it now coz the closing date is 30 January 2011.....

I know you guys would do it for me coz you are the most amazing people EVER! 

Thank you so much! =)

Eh?

I have tried it before and I can't update here using Blogger. But suddenly can. Why meh?

This is going second testing post with a picture.

Ok, fail to upload picture.... Hmmmmm...

Blogging on the go

I just realized that Blogger doesn't has an apps like Wordpress. What a bummer. Just I thought that I can blog anywhere now with my favourite toy right now. But Blogger has this mail to blogger thingie. Should give it a try and update blog more.

Ok, this is just testing post, but I don't know why I need to write so much. Haha

19.01.11

I'm using Penultimate Apps & using Boxwave stylus which is so awesome.

I'm really looking forward for something then......

When I'm happily waiting for something like a PUBLIC HOLIDAY.

Plan what I want to do that day with my loves one on a PUBLIC HOLIDAY.

Then suddenly last minute, people told me to work on PUBLIC HOLIDAY, without early notice.

I'm super bengang, ok.

Please tell me early so that I won't plan anything.

Tetiba mood semangat di waktu pagi hilang dan rasa sangat bengang.

On strict Datuk Kame training programme

Throughout my life, I only own 1 laptop, the one that I'm using right now. Back then in undergrad years I was a pro-desktop. Nothing in the world can convince me that laptop is more practical than desktop especially I always traveling between home and college. Actually I used that reasoning to convince that I don't need a laptop and of course, no money to buy one too. Haha. 

Then I borrowed my mom laptop for final year project, mainly to write my thesis. I found it more practical and what a life saving device especially when I was alone in my college room watching 'Desperate Housewives' back to back while lying in my bed. But the semester is almost over and I don't think it's convenient anymore to buy it since I'm moving out the college and will live at my house permanently.

My first job was at manufacturing company and I don't need a laptop. I used the desktop the company and I was happy as a bee (bee is happy creature right? I don't know, but it rhymed just nice with happy). Except during six sigma training where I have to borrow my beloved hubby's laptop (with a lot of terms & conditions, how to take care and so on). 

So when I decided to continue my study in United States, I realized, I need a laptop. Thanks to my mom scares on the tight ruling of US airports, I decided to buy one in US instead of in Malaysia. So my personal IT specialist aka husband list down what specifications that I need - latest processor, graphic card, wireless port etc. I surveyed TigerDirect, Newegg and few other websites. I finally found my laptop - have all the specifications that I need, within the price range and Lenovo. The reason I chose Lenovo because they are part of IBM and IBM known for making a durable laptop. So I thought since this is my first laptop, I need to have a strong one for me to learn how to take care a laptop. Because honestly I'm not the most delicate person in the world.

After arriving in US, I realized that my laptop of choice has sold out! I was devastated. I need a laptop ASAP and I can't waste my time by searching another model again. Thank God I have a very nice landlord. She took me around Durham finding laptop for me. Until we arrived at Circuit City (which later filed bankruptcy 2 weeks after I bought the laptop and closed down 567 their stores). I saw my dream laptop. Not the same model but a higher range of model and the price was above my range. However, the store offered me the display set with discount and they said the display set was only 1 week old, they will give full warranty and reformat the laptop before giving it to me. So I thought why not, and I bought it.

Zainal came 2 weeks later after my mom went home. The first thing he said was this laptop was heavy. I was still in honeymoon phase with my laptop immediately disagreed with him. I was in denial. Few weeks later I started to think my laptop might be a bit heavy. But few months later when I have to run across Terminal 1 in JFK Airport to Terminal 8 to catch my plane, I realized, my God, this laptop weight a tonnes. I swear I almost fainted by carrying this laptop only. I have come with full realization when I have to carry this laptop when walking to our hotel in Las Vegas and again in San Francisco. God, I wished I left this laptop and not carrying it all over west coast. I didn't care about checking my email and Facebook anymore. I. Just. Want. Not. To. Carry. This. Elephant. Anymore.

The pervert Datuk Kame or Kame Sennin with his turtle shell

Now I'm working where I have to use this laptop as my work station and brought along me whenever I go, I started to devise a mindset. I can't left my laptop anymore and it needs to be with me all the time. So whenever I have to carry this elephant, I imagined myself undergo a training programme with Datuk Kame. Haha. You know the one that he asked Goku to carry a heavy turtle shell around. I imagined that one day I can jump so high , run so fast without this heavy laptop on my back. I might even manage to do 'kame hame haaa' if I practice enough. Huhu. So there you go.

Kame Hame Haaaaa..... I know you have try before, in case there's going to be a fireball coming out, right? Huhu

So before you buy a laptop, make sure that weight is one of the main areas that you look into. If not, let's join Datuk Kame fitness programme.

Marvelous May

CST Production and Lyndarahim Kuala Lumpur is having a contest. Bloggers and Facebookers just need to describe their dream weddings and the most creative one will be chosen a winner. I actually have been waiting for CST contest coz I missed the last one. I mistakenly misread their closing date. Haih. However, this contest is a bit tricky coz I already have my dream wedding! I would not changed anything about my wedding if I given a chance... umm... ok, maybe 1 or 2 things I might change. But the wonderful people at CST soothed my worry when they said I can describe any other event.

I have this one event that I really want to organize since I got married. It's the combination of our birthday and anniversary. You see, both my husband and I were born in May and our anniversary fall in May too. This year we will turn to *ahem* years old and if you divide the *ahem* number into 2, you'll get the total number of years we have known each other. And.... this year is our 9th anniversary! (Note: it's not our wedding anniversary ya).

If I were to organize this event, how do I do it? These are the summary:

• Where? In the park (coz I love nature yo!)
• When? May 2011, after sunset (preferably after Maghrib)
• Who? 10-15 of our closest friends and their partner (so around 20-30 people)
• Theme? Chill, relax and forget about all your resolution (yea, I'm still on New Year mood)
• Food? 3 course meal with free flowing dessert and candies (birthday party should have a lot of candies)

Let's get into the details.

First, the venue

I would choose this place if we are in New York. We were there last spring and it was awesome in May!

We were fooling around at Central Park, NY

But, nevertheless, we are in Malaysia now so any park with big, strong and canopy-like trees will do. Preferably in Petaling Jaya & Subang Jaya vicinity coz I know my friends are lazy to drive further than this (ok, I'm the one who are lazy, not them actually... hehe). I will decorate the tree with lots, when I said lots, I really mean abundant of christmas lights hanging from the tree until it will light up the place. The long table that can sit 30 people will be placed in the middle of those trees. When the guests are sitting down, they will feel like they are dining under a huge fireworks. Awesome right.

(this picture is actually the night version of the earlier picture but I think it's in fall/early winter from the lack of leaves on the tree branch. Source)

Disclaimer: that are not worms hanging on the trees. That are the christmas lights

Secondly, the food

Good food is the way to your friend's heart. Because I love my friends so much, I would like to order 3 course meal from Tony Roma's for everybody.....

KIDDING!

Unless everybody agreed to pay for their meal. Haha. I will choose equally delicious restaurant to cater our food. So everybody that RSVP'ed that they are coming will need to choose their food choice before the event. So on that day, everybody will get their own choice of food.

Next, the decorations

Forget flowers as the table centerpiece. The theme is to break our resolution, remember? So I would put desserts, chocolate and candies in the middle of the table using beautiful jar and container. Brownies, cupcakes, M&Ms, Hershey's, Ferrero Rocher and fruit tart are being nicely placed in the middle of the table along side candles to swell the mood. My girlfriends will kill me for ruining their diet but that's what friends are for, right - presenting good things in life ;-)

Original pic source

Source

Each guest will have a personalized cupcake with their name at their respected seat. At each chair, a huge flower pouch that contains more candies will be hanged and this is the goodies bag for each guest.

Original pic source

Next, entertainment

Ahhh... what is a party without entertainment? I would have a live band playing softly (I have no idea how they will do that - maybe just instrumental) in the background during the dinner coz I hate going to some place that are very loud that you need to shout to talk to people. But when the dinner is over, the band will take over and dance floor will be open.

Remember when you are a kid, birthday party make you sugar high and you end up running around endlessly? So I want to bring back that fun memory except we are not going to run endlessly at the end of the night. That's where the dance floor comes in. We need to burn back all the excessive sugar intake by moving our body. Since this party is only open to close friends, I'm sure my friends will be more opened and get their body moving with the music. Most of them are already married, so enjoy yourself! When is the last time you dance with your partner?

Last but not least, video booth!

I would love to have a picture booth, but since CST Production is going to sponsor, let's take it a step above and make a video booth. Every guest need to get into that booth, wear the magic hat (or singing hat) and start to sing or act or both or do whatever you want to do (but no 18SX please!) That would be awesome.


Another details...

Guest can wear whatever they want as long as they wear something and comfortable in it. Ladies, I suggest you to keep your stilettos at home and wear your wedges instead. You don't want to your heels poke through the grass at each of your step. That would be annoying. But for me, I would like a white flowing dress that look casual yet elegant. Nothing too sparkly or fancy.

For the cake, I really want those beautiful fondant cake with fireworks cake candle. Nice right...

Original pic source

But most important, all I want is that everybody is having fun, enjoying themselves while celebrating our important days of the year.


By the way, check out these talented people:

2010 in summary

I'm not going to act surprise that I haven't been updating this blog for almost 2 months. So many happened in this 2 months and they deserved separate posts (hopefully soon).

But not to break this blog tradition, I will review my 2010. Seriously 2010 is the most emotional year that I have so far in my life. I'm not exaggerating.

Let's recap:

1. I spend my whole 2010 with my husband. Yup, not a single day without him.
2. I spend first 6 months of the year in United States and another 6 months in Malaysia. Adil
3. I got my first paycheck in USD (even though the tax cut almost 30% of my paycheck, at least I got some extra money to travel)
4. Travel a lot.... from east coast to west coast... using all method of transportation; plane, car, train...
5. Meet a lot of new wonderful people along the way
   
6. Played paintball (I've been waiting to try this for a long time, but never had a chance)
7. Snowboarding for the first time and immediately fell in love with it. Unfortunately that might be the first and last time I'll be snowboarding. Unless Malaysia opened a place for that
8. I got a nephew, named Akeem Zarif who was born on 31st July at 3.85kg. Very big and cute baby. Hehe
   
9. Graduations! First of course, my graduation (May, happy that I finished on time and can come back home for good), then Zainal (he technically done in 2009 but the convocation only held on August 2010), my older brother (after 5 years of Master, finally he is a specialist. I noticed that almost all the Master receiver for medical, like my brother, didn't look too excited (unlike my friends and I last May). I assumed doctors lost their excitement after they have to endure 4-5 years just to get a Master) and not forgetting, my brother-in-law and my sister-in-law who graduated the same day with my brother (they were in the same faculty anyway). And my younger brother finished his study in December. It seems that everybody in my family finished their study in 2010.
10. New job. Not going to discuss on this. *mood turning to sour a bit*
11. Lastly, the most painful events: Deaths, like 6 of them.

• Early April: my uncle, Pak Ngah
• Late April: my beloved grandmother, Mek
• Couldn't remember when: my aunt (not so close to me, still)
  
• Late September: my sister-in-law, Kak Zura
• Late November: my next door neighbour, Aunty Merican
  
• Early December: my beloved uncle, Pak

What an eventful year. I hope with the ending of 2010, no more death in our family. Hopefully new addition instead. So I started this new year with a lot of hopes and dreams.

Let me cry tonight

Bertalu-talu ujian dan dugaan Allah kepadaku tahun ini. Tapi Allah janji Dia tidak membebankan hamba-Nya dengan dugaan yang tidak mampu ditanggungnya. Aku yakin dengan janji Allah cuma kekadang ingin menangis juga walaupun sedang sabar dan tabah dalam menjalani ujian ini.

Ujian yang terlalu banyak ya Allah. Berapa ramai ahli keluargaku telah kembali kepadaMu, melihat penderitaan penyakit kepada kaum keluargaku yang disayangi, dikhianati oleh orang yang dianggap rapat, kepayahanku menerima rezeki dalam bentuk zuriat, pergolakan dan konfliks dengan orang yang tersayang dan bermacam-macam lagi sejak awal tahun lagi.

Namun dengan barakah rumahtanggaku, aku bersyukur denganMu kerana Kau kurniakan suami yang tiada tolok bandingnya menemani aku dalam segala dugaanMu ini. Syukur ya Allah, Kau kurniakan seseorang yang bijak bertutur memujukku, pemurah dengan kasih sayang dan sentiasa bersampingku dalam apa jua keadaan kami.

Aku bersyukur kepadaMu ya Allah kerana walaupun sungguh perit setiap dugaan yang kulalui ini, banyak sungguh nikmat yang tanpa kusedari Kau kurniakan kepadaku. Sungguh Kau adalah Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Namun malam ini, di saat terdengar berita yang tidak baik, walaupun belum 100% yakin, tapi jiwaku terus manjadi lemah dan sedih. Aku seolah-olah tidak dapat menerima dugaan kali ini kerana aku sungguh mengharapkan satu sinar di sebalik dugaan yang tertalu-talu ini. Tapi aku yakin Kau Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untukku. Semoga Kau kurniakan yang terbaik untuk ku dan seluruh ahli keluargaku.

Ya Allah, benarkan aku menangis di atas kekecewaan ini ya.

11 years ago

While waiting for my husband to come home this evening, I dig out a file that kept all my memories in the year 1999-2000. I was 16 that time and full of weird teenage hormone. I found few poems and love stories that I wrote based on my current situation but with more dramatic endings. Haha.

But best of all, I found a series of email that someone send it to me (I printed every one of it). We were separated when he changed school. So only phone calls and emails that kept us in touch. We were not in a relationship but just two friends keeping updates with each other. However I just noticed that from month to month, the tone of his email changed slowly from just a friend to somebody who cares for me.

Who has thought that the same person who religiously sending me emails and patiently answering my phone calls on every school holidays is the one that become my husband.

Who would have thought?

That's qada' and qadar.

Not that I'm complaining =)

1000 days of love

You know what day is it today? Yup, Friday. Good boy. Now take this ice cream and off you go. Hahaha..

Ok, ok, I'm in very good mood today coz I celebrated the 1000 days of my married life with my dearest husband. You might think, budak ni mesti takde keje, tiap-tiap hari kira hari ke? Unfortunately the first part of that question is true but the second part is not. It is not that I have a countdown timer in my room counting down how many days that I have been a wife. It was happened unexpectedly actually. I was counting days for other thing and then I put my anniversary date and see how many days already. At that moment, it was day 980 (plus minus). So I thought wow, we almost 1000 days. So I just put a reminder in my phone calendar.

So there you go. 1 0 0 0 d a y s . . . .

My finance professor in Duke counted his marriage days. I remember when he introduced himself, he said something like, "I have a wife and we have been married for xxxxx days." Yeah, he has OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). You should see how he put all his money in his wallet. It's according to the serial number okay. But he's really a fun but quirky professor and I enjoyed his lectures even though I still couldn't understand finance whole-heartedly. Haha.

Anyway, celebrating how many days you have been ...... is harder than remembering a certain date. I remember by heart my anniversary date but how many days have been married, that 's more challenging. Because the date can be fall on random date and after a while you stop counting.

So to commemorate this day (which might not be remembered if I didn't accidentally count it), I have made this photo mosaic which consisted of 1000 (+18 more) photos of us from the day we tied the knot until today. Yes, that's 1000 unique photos of us only.

The main picture is Day 1 - our akad nikah

While doing this, I realized:
We have a lot of photos of us alone rather than us together. This couldn't be avoided as we always travel just the two of us. So it's always he took my photo, I took his. Even though we have X-shot Extender and a tripod to help us, sometimes we were lazy to use it. Yup, we travel with 2 kind of tripod (well, one is more like a monopod). Believe it or not, all of that can be put into my handbag. But towards to end, the laziness improved and we have more photos together.

I'm going to print it (in large print obviously) and framed it after I perfect the mosaic. Kind of neat kan...

Ps: Actually I wanted to be a surprise gift for my hubby, but I am very bad at keeping secret and spilled my plan to him. He thought it was a cool idea. I will post the final product when I finish it, print it and frame it.

After 3 years of battle

If I'm not mistaken, I first meet her in 2004. It was Zainal's UNITEN convocation. At that time, I came as a shy-shy girlfriend celebrating his boyfriend's achievement. I was invited to join their family lunch after that. I was reluctant at first (coz I was shy) but eventually I followed them.

After that I never met her again until few years later. She went to Germany pursuing her Ph.D after that. Then in 2007, Zainal showed me the email that she send informing that she would be back for good after she was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 3. At this point of life, you don't care about pencapaian duniawi anymore when your life was at stake. And that was the beginning of her battle.

In 2008 after we got married, we always visited her, at least 2-3 months once. She had mastectomy, chemotherapy and many more treatments. But the cancer cells were very stubborn. After the mastectomy, we thought that the cells were gone, but then we found out it had spread to lung before to the bones.

When I was in US, I saw the worried look of my husband whenever he called home, scared that he wasn't going to be there if anything happened to his only sister. I prayed hard that Kak Zura stays stronger and wait for our arrival first.

But Kak Zura was a strong woman and also a smart lady. Not only academically (bachelors in US, masters is Malaysia and Ph.D in Germany), but also in life. She knew not to depend on man to make her happy and started to save everything for her daughters. If you met her, you will not see her as a patient. She always smiling, never complaining and always want to do everything by herself.

Only Allah know what's best for His creation. This Raya was actually the first Raya I celebrated with her, well, I never know it would be the last Raya. She was weak already at that time but as usual I never noticed it. A week after that we went to visit her again at her house after hearing that she always had difficulty of breathing. We couldn't talk much that time as her friends were there at the same time. My mother in law told me that the doctor had told her that she had only 1 month left. The cancer cells have invaded her liver and the spinal cord. I was in shock. I couldn't imagine how she felt at that moment.

On Thursday afternoon that same week, I received a phone call from Zainal that Kak Zura was admitted to hospital. Same hospital with Pak. He rushed home and together we went there. They gave Kak Zura morphine and other pain reliever to ease her pain. Yes, the doctor said cancer is the worst pain in the world. Because of the pain killer, she was able to sleep. Zainal slept there for 2 nights and I joined him on the second night. Whenever she woke up and usually the drug has toned down, we need to call nurse so that they will give new dose of drug.

On Sunday morning, we left her sleeping and went home. Zainal's brother took care of her in daytime. We would never know that it would be her last day. We came back again around 8.30pm the same day. We saw her husband sleeping in the room (finally he arrived on SUNDAY!). We went to Kak Zura and saw that she was breathing heavily and moaning in her sleep. After updating her husband on her condition and asked him to take his dinner while we waited with Kak Zura, we went to nurse station. We asked the nurse there why she was breathing like that. It wasn't like that this morning. The nurse answered short and simple, that's is how orang nazak breathing. At this moment she asked us to start reciting Yaasin and teach her the syahadah.

After that shocking piece of news, we immediately started reciting Yaasin. Zainal's brother and his wife, Kak Ina arrived after that. Since both of them are medical doctors, they knew what's the situation and started reciting Yaasin. Kak Ina checked Kak Zura medical reports and found out that her blood pressure couldn't be determined anymore and her temperature was subnormal. Kak Zura's husband came back from his dinner looking confused and joined us in reciting Yaasin.

At 10 pm, with her husband and Zainal holding her hand, she breathed her last breathe. It was fast and almost like she was sleeping. Panic, both of them called Kak Ina and she checked her pulse and heart beat. She called nurse who came with defibrillator. Kak Ina requested not to use the defib and the nurse just used it to read her heart beat and confirmed her death. It's only straight line printed on that paper. At that time, the time of death recorded was 10.03pm on 26 September 2010.

The rest they said is history. We did what we supposed to do and she laid in her final resting area in Shah Alam. She left 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 and 5. I hope she was placed amongst the specials and hope she is peaceful in her new place.

Dari Allah kita datang, kepada Allah kita kembali jua. Al-Fatihah kepada Kak Zura....

Kak Zura with her daughters on our wedding day. At the back is Zainal's brother.

Need to live

Raya kan sebulan...

Just want to wish...

Jika ada salah dan silap, terkasar bahasa dalam penulisan dan perhubungan, termakan dan terminum, kami ingin menyusun sepuluh jari memohan maaf keampunan dengan penuh keikhlasan...

10 days of downhill

Today is the 10th day Pak in hospital. And today at 12 pm, I still at home which is unusual for the past 10 days. Supposedly I should be at hospital. But today I just couldn't take the latest nuisance from people who came to visit. Because she is my family. I expect family to understand but instead she making bunyi-bunyi yang menyakitkan hati on days like this.

Pak was admitted to the ward on 4th of September at 11.30pm. He was brought to the emergency room at 2pm the same day. Doctors took 9 hours to find out what's wrong with him but finally they admitted him despite not knowing what the problem. He showed a symptom of stroke which was slurred speech but the brain scan showed nothing. His motor on both side was in excellent condition which further confused the doctors.

Everyday I was at the hospital without fail. Sometimes I stayed for 12 hours and if other family was there I would went home to take a break. But Pak always asked for me and he felt most comfortable with me so I would tried my best to be there for him.

Pak's health deteriorated rapidly within one week. When he first came in, I can understand him and he can walk if the doctor asked him. Then his speech become unrecognizable even for me. Then they did a MRI scan and they found out that it's pontine stroke. Ya Allah! At that time Pak couldn't even talk anymore. He even needed oxygen. But he wasn't comfortable with the oxygen mask and the pulse oxymeter at his finger tip. He wanted to take it off and was restless for at least 3 days. He was at that condition and didn't feel comfortable with whatever that happen around him. Few times nurses have to tied his hands to his bed to make sure he wouldn't hurt himself. That was the saddest thing I ever seen. He would look at me with sadness in his eyes begging me to untie his hand. He couldn't talk and he is at other people's mercy. And all I can do is comfort him with holding his hand. That's all I can do. I felt useless.

Then on 9th September, he has difficulty of breathing. He was breathing heavily with the help of oxygen mask. At that time, his oxygen level was barely reached 90%. His heart rate was at the average of 120 bpm. He looked like he has to fight for his life to breathe. At that time, he can't even raised his hand. He was so weak and he just closed his eyes all the time. When people came and hold his hand, he opened his eyes and if that person meant a lot to him, tears rolled at the corner of his eyes.

Finally on the Eid night, doctor decided to put him on a ventilator. On Eid morning when I came and visited him, he was unconscious and still breathing supported by ventilator. Now on the 5th of Eid, he still unconscious.

Helpless

Finally this situation has taken a toll on me. I felt that I didn't do everything that it should be yet I felt that I'm exhausted by this whole situation.

I don't know what to do to help him and looking at his situation made me felt so helpless. His speeches has become unrecognizable, his movements have lost it's coordination and he always in pain in different part of the body. I wish I have a magic wand that can cure all his illness.

I felt really bad for not really be by his side at all time helping him with all his need - to the bathroom, fed him and just be there for him. Yet, people think I've done so many things when all I do is taking him to see various specialists since July and just check on him every hour or so. It's just that there is a hole in my heart from the 6 years absence and the feeling is not the same anymore.

I felt bad for not being the best as I should have when he was there all the time when I was small. Yet I felt I have done everything that I could and the best I could to balance between him and my own life.

I felt like there's a huge rock of responsibility that was handed to me by the people around me - the society, friends and family, that I need to carry on. Sometimes I wish the people who calling asking how he is doing would come and see him and be by his side for awhile.

Now I realized how hard it is when the time has come. Seriously I am not ready. My mind was occupied with a lot other goals that I need to achieve at least within this year. But I have to set it aside all of that first because if not who will take care of him and bring him to see the doctors? When I think about this, I started to question my sincerity.

I'm so helpless. Ya Allah, please help him...