tarik rambut

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This thing really test my patience....

Busy weekend

I think last weekend was so short. It's like so many things happened that I didn't have enough time for myself (read: sleep, sleep, sleep). Went to MATTA Fair last Friday night with Zainal and thank God, the people there was not THAT full. At least still can breath. We were walking so fast coz we only had 1 hour to see all the booth. Apperently for scuba diving package, the deal was the same even without the fair. At that moment I wish I won some money that I can indulge myself with holidays. I'm not asking so much, 5K would be enough. Hehe....

Then, we went scouting Ritz Carlton coz we had workshop the next day (ehem, ehem, baru ada kelas gi workshop kat Ritz Carlton). But end up stucked in the jam for I don't know many hours. And locating Rotz Carlton was not a piece of cake. Apparently, only those who know it only know that place. Normal people (like me, that don't need a butler to serve personally) would probably couldn't find it. HA..

The next whole day was filled with marketing strategy and delicious-but-tiny Ritz Carlton food. Seriously, the food was delicious. If only they serve more.... (wishful thinking again). That night we watched 300. People, this is one of the best movie this year. Seriously. If you don't like all the gross fighting scene, there's always meaty muscular and oh-what-a-delicious-body Spartan men to ogle with. Hehe...

Lastly, Sunday was the only day to malas-malas. Oh.... can't wait for the next weekend.

Peace

There's no peace in my heart lately.

Just pure unsafisfaction and hatred.

Everything seems very wrong.

I want everything but nothing obtained.

Ya Allah, please give me mercy and grant me some peaceful in my heart. Amiin...

Happy or meaningful?

Last week on Heroes (that episode 18 for those Malaysian that illegally download it), there's one part where Linderman asked Nathan Petrelli (okay, I'm not going to be a spoiler to those who faithfully follow the story at Astro) if he wants a happy life or meaningful life. Coz he said that you can't have both. If you want happy life, you enjoy your present without worrying about the past and future. If you choose meaningful life, you have to worry about your past and future.

Can we have both? Meaningful and happy. I think we can. If you lead a meaningful life, at your deathbed, you know you have life to the fullest and you'll be happy. If you lead a happy life, your life must be meaningful, right. I mean how come you live a happy meaningless life, do you get what I mean.

On the other hand, there are some people who live a meaningful life without being happy, right. He's become someone important in the country and society but at the same time he's too busy to take time and smell the roses. He missed out all the important people in his life. He's life is meaningful; contributing to country, but does he happy? Maybe not.

But I don't think there's people who is happy but has meaningless life. Nobody lead meaningless life except all that Mat Fit la. But then, they're not happy right. They depend on drugs to be happy (or false happy). Even you just a gardener or whatever, you are someone to somebody. You are somebody's father, mother, uncle, auntie, son, daughter, cousin, friend, wife or husband. So your life is meaningful. Every human Allah made is meaningful. But to find who is happy or not is different story.

So, what do you think? Do you think you are happy? I know you have meaningful life.

Hate me

The thing I learned when you are in a relationship is you should be happy if the other half is happy too even though that happiness does not include me. But why it's hard for me to get it into my head and apply that on my daily life is something I don't understand. Am I too selfish? Am I thinking that the world revolves around me?

Many times I have gone over the limit and ignore that important rule. Therefore, I wanted to apologize from the bottom of my heart what have I done last night and also before this.

But I have learned not to run from my problem and I did it. (Pat on back for myself). At that precise moment, I was thinking of packing my stuff and just walk out of that door. But I kept thinking that if I started doing it today, in future I might repeat it. Then I'll be the wife who run to her parents house because of some stupid argument. And I'll be sending my kids away coz I can't cope with them. No, I'm not going to be like that. I'll be hanging there even it's rip my heart out. I'll face the problem even though I don't know how to solve it. If I failed, at least I can say I've tried.

It was harder to do it than saying it. How you control every bit of your sanity and patience when the other person was totally ignoring even when you are next to them. How inside of you was planning every destructive plan that possible in that particular room but outside you were acting cool. This is not even considering that the other half of your brain was cursing you coz causing this misery. And one point, when all the anger turn to depression, all you want to do is to hurt yourself in return.

Hmm...I'm kinda hate myself right now.

Uncertainty of future

Have you ever want something badly that you patiently work hard and pray that finally archieved that? Then after achieving that, you feel that it's the best thing ever happen, even though there's some cons but overall it's bearable. After that you think that you need to move on to the next step and ready to fully embrace the choice. Suddenly you started to think.

Is it the right choice?
Should I wait maybe a little bit longer then something better come?
What if this IS the best and coz I ditched it, I'll lose it forever?
What if I move on with this, and suddenly better one arrive and I have to let the better one go coz I already commit to the first one?

The uncertainty of future is scary...
Sometimes I wish I can just relax and be happy with what I have right now.
Sometimes I wish I can work harder to get more money coz I want to try many new experience that needs money... like scuba diving, water rafting, absailing at waterfalls....

Ok, breathe in mun... and breathe out....
I'm trying to stop worrying stuff in the future. And trying to stop pressuring myself to please everybody and stop worrying about comparing myself with others. Yes, I'm very competitive. and it's tiring.

I know today at work that

I hate the smell of pine oil. It smells like minyak angin cap kapak but 10 times worst.

I know that by the third experiment using pine oil, I got migraine.

...because of that migraine, I know where is first aid room.

I know that after 10 minutes of searching Synflex at first aid room, Kak ZK think that it might be stolen.

....and Synflex is my only hope to reduce my migraine.

Good news is that my boss keep a stock of it too.

Bad news is that he needs that too for his migraine.

I also know that I'm going to be transferred to another department.

Good news that it's not confirmed yet.

Bad news is that if it's confirmed, I'm gonna miss working in R&D and miss a lots of parties.

I also know that I don't know what to write when I got my migraine.

.....even though I have a whole complete script in my head when I'm not suffering it.