Raya oh raya

Ramadhan has left us again and again I felt that I didn't take 100% the advantages of this holy month. Sigh..

Anyway, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri to all. I tried to capture every moment of this year's Raya as I will spend the next 2 Raya away from home.

Last but not least, my first time lapse video capturing the process of getting a decent family photo.

I'm going to miss my abah, mak, the siblings, nieces and nephews T_T

May Bliss

May almost comes to the end and I didn't have a post published on my favourite month. Ish ish ish. As usual, May always my busiest month (alasan!). So many events happened in May 2013, whether personal event or country event.

On personal event, this year both of us, has celebrated our birthday by joining the 3 series club. No more in-the-twenties age group range. Honestly I didn't feel a thing. It's not like at 12 am on the 4th May, my wrinkle double up la kan. Age is just a number but what matters are the insides. Managed to gather the busy people of my family to have nice dinner at Bubba Gump Citta Mall on my birthday.

My talented 7 years old niece homemade birthday card for me. So sweettt

The family that eat together, stay together :)

On the second day I turned 30, I used my right to vote for our 13th General Election. One of the most controversial election in Malaysia's history, and it happened a day after my birthday. Haha. Now that we have chosen our representatives, I do hope that this political issue can be closed and now let's unite in developing our country. 

Towards the end of May, I have to sit for 2 CIPS (Chartered Institute of Purchasing and Supply) exams in Kuala Lumpur and that means I was back in Subang Jaya. Yeah, 2 weeks in Subang felt like heaven. You have no idea how I miss my own house and my town. Oh man, I really can't wait for this 1.5 years to end.

And at the last day of May, we are going on a vacation. First vacation of the year! Yeay... The frequent weekend flying has cheated me on being on vacation but the truth is we didn't go anywhere this year. Oh, except Brunei. Ok, Brunei doesn't count coz it's just a day trip.

I wish May never ends which means I don't have to go back to Miri. But that impossible right? Blerrrgghh...

It's all about family

It took me 26 years to realize that Raya is all about family. It's not about ketupat, new clothes, fireworks, duit raya, going back to kampung or rendang. It's all about family. You can have all of that but without family on Raya, nothing matters. You can have nothing of that but if you are with your family on Raya, you have everything.

It doesn't matter  whether you are in a foreign land, in hospital or just your ol' plain house, but when the family are together, enjoying the food (any food) and share the stories and jokes, that is how Raya supposed to be. Believe me when I said this. I used to Raya at different places, with different people, but at the end, the ones that celebrated with the family are the best, even though I have to become a tourist on Raya (yea, my dad's American friends came visiting Malaysia on Raya and abah has to bring them around!).

Yes, 26 years for me to realize this. Then I started to appreciate family presence more. Last year we celebrated it in hospital and this year, we spend more time visiting the graveyard. Last year only Mek's grave was visited, but this year we added 3 more people - Kak Zura, Pak & Abah Zainal. Allah loves them more and wanted them to spend their Raya with His loved ones. 

So this year, I looked at each one of my family member, and tried to enjoy each of their presence coz you never know what is going to happen in the future. Because sometimes we tend to miss the simple but important thing in life. 

Salam Aidil Fitri. Maaf Zahir & Batin...

38th Anniversary

Yesterday I went to my parents home after coming back from a meeting in Damansara. It supposed to be a quick stop to get some documents. Then more documents requested by mr hubby while I was there that lead to wonderful discovery.

Mak discovered her surat nikah and guess what? That day was her anniversary with my dad. Guess how long? 38 years anniversary!

Congratulations mak and abah.... Love both of you so much. Though I'm full of second child plus the only girl syndrome when growing up (and even now), they still love me endlessly and I am so blessed.

I told abah, on your 40th anniversary, let's do some celebration. Yeah, we can do kenduri doa selamat he said. I said you can have pelamin and cut cake again. He just laughed and that pelamin idea will not going to happen I can assure you. Haha...

I prayed that they still will be here, healthy and active for their 50th, 60th,70th and more anniversary.

I just want you to listen

Sometimes I called you just because I wanted to talk and share my day, week or just some random moments. But I guess it's hard just to listen without condemning back whatever I shared with you. It was always like that, me sharing and you condemning. Every time.

I guess that's why when I was growing up, I kept everything to myself. I wrote on many diaries that I collected throughout the years pouring my heart out. Deep inside my heart I just want you to listen, sympathize or laugh with me but not using my words to get back at me. But no, what I shared was wrong, said you, I should have done this not that.

Over the years, I tried to close the gaps and have a healthy relationship with you again. But I realized how naive I am trying to convince myself that things will change easily.

Especially when there's a third party that was set to destroy all of us. I got the feeling that third party was determined to set us apart. Burning every tie that hold all of us and making me a bad guy.

Tonight, when things got tough and rough, I called you to share my story. And I regret of doing it. I forgot that I am a bad guy. Bad guy never gets love. Bad guy is always wrong. And yup, the third party is best girl you ever met. 

Well, if this is my fate, I shall keep my mouth shut and share to those who appreciate me for who I am only.

Hapy Father's Day

Happy father's day abah!! I love you =)

Full message will come soooonn..

Friday tears

I just heard the Perry Band song, If I Die Young and got emotional tonight.

I just wrote a post on Pak's death and suddenly 2 days ago I was shocked by another 2 deaths within 24 hours. Both are someone I knew well. 

I don't know if I can write about death anymore. Suddenly death of my loved ones become the most of my status updates in my Facebook. 

But the last two were the shocking ones. It didn't come with notice.

I know Pak Zhari has lung cancer but I also knew that he wasn't hospitalised on the day he passed away. In fact he still went to work on that day. Heck, he was not even retired yet. He was my father younger brother. How do I know that the last time I met him was few months ago would be the last time.

I met my father-in-law, also called Abah 2 weeks ago. I always find that visiting him was pleasant experience. You can see happiness in his face every time we visited him. Like every single time. Last 2 weeks visit was like any other visit, he was telling stories and asking about our life. How do I know that was the last time I was going to visit him.

Well, that's life. Allah has promise every person will face death. How, when and where is not known to us. He asked us to be prepared all the time. Am I prepared yet? Are you?

Al-Fatihah to Pak Zhari who passed away on the Friday night and Abah on the Friday afternoon. May Allah bless your soul and place you among His favourites...

Happy birthday Pak

Today is Arwah Pak's birthday. If Pak alive today, he will be turning 64 years old. But Allah loves him more and brought him back to His side. I never write about Pak's death here yet. It's too sad to be written and today, after 170 days he is gone, I need to put it down here. I have written about his deterioration in here and here.

Pak is not just an uncle of mine, he was like my second father. In fact I spend more time with him when I was growing up and got more influence from him than my real dad. He took care of me since I was 40 days old. He and Mek spend the day with me and then at night I would went back to my parents house. This routine had been going on until I finished my secondary school.

Everyday he would send me to school, tuition, extra co-curriculum, friends' party, and all over the place. He make sure that his jobs were only at night or will not interfere my school schedule. If he can't made it, he would called his trusted taxi driver to pick me up. He took care of me when I was sick, watched over my grades, find the best tuition teachers for me, make sure I friend with the correct crowd and everything a parent would do to his daughter. In fact what he did is above what a parent would do. 

He taught me a lot about life (everything from stock market, politic, being a good mother and many more), asked me to be more critical thinking, answer my questions on religion logically until I understand why something was ruled that way (never scold me if I questioned religion), encouraged me to read a lot, introduced me to a lot of people from all types of life, introduced me to charity works and always remind me to be a good wife (yup, since small! Hehe).

He was an ustaz, loved by many but at the same time in this life, when you are trying to spread the truth, there are some people who are offended and cannot see you happy. But he never back off from what he believe is true and hold on to his belief.

He loved holidaying in islands around Malaysia beside frequent umrah trips. Last year when I came home from US for good, he insisted that we went to an island for a holiday. I was reluctant at first but finally we went to Redang. When I think about it right now, I'm glad I did follow him because that was my last holiday with him and his last holiday before he passed away.

After that trip, he started to have frequent headache before doctor diagnosed him with high blood pressure. Then when he started getting worse and was admitted to hospital, then only doctor realized he was having a stroke. He was conscious only few days in the hospital before he was unconscious for more than 2 months and passed away without gaining conscious. 

I remembered first few days he was in the hospital. He asked for few kuih that he loved. I went out to buy for him but when I arrived there, the nurses had put tube through his nose for eating liquid only. Nurses won't allowed me to give him solid food because she scared that it will go to his lung instead. Hearing that, I didn't give him the kuih and put it at the side of the bed. I went down to break my fast and when I came up again, I saw his tube was removed and he asked for the kuih. I asked the nurses if they removed it and I can give Pak the kuih. It turned out that Pak removed it himself (coz he wanted the kuih) and because of that, he was scolded by the nurses. I felt really bad for asking the nurse. I consoled Pak by saying that when he is better, I will buy him the kuih again. Who knows that was the last time he asked for something and that was the last day he can eat solid food. The rest was only milk going through his nose directly to his stomach. 

But the most saddest of all is that I wasn't next to him when he passed away. In fact he was all alone. When I went to see him 2 days before that, he didn't show any sign of nazak. In fact doctor asked me to bring him home. Doctor asked me to buy ventilator so that he can use that when he is brought home. I think he heard everything about that. Doctor told me that the last sensory human lost before dying is hearing. He said Pak can hear what around him even though he didn't respond. I believe he heard about what the doctor discussed with me and I discussed with the nurses how to take care of him when we bring him home. Knowing Pak, he will never want to trouble anyone. I guess at that time, he finally ready to let go and didn't fight to stay alive anymore.

It was on 4th of December 2010 at around 12.40pm when a nurse called me and asked me to come to the hospital as soon as possible coz Pak was nazak. Then 10 minutes after that, when we were getting ready to the hospital, the nurse called again saying he has passed away. I cried and cried coz I wasn't there for him. He always told me while I was growing up that he wanted to die in my arms. But I wasn't there. 

He looked so peaceful. His 3 months of suffering finally ended. He was buried near to Mek, the love of his life. He followed her after 6 months she was gone. 

Finally in his final day on earth, first time in my life I felt like I am his daughter. Doctor refused to talk to anybody accept me coz I listed myself as his daughter - that what he told everybody, I am his daughter. Even on the way to the cemetery, I lead the way to his burial site.

Pak, I love you so much. I have hurt you many times but you still love me unconditionally. You gave me everything I need but never asked anything in return. May Allah put you amongst the best and with His loved ones. 

Ps: Pak, for your birthday this year, I donated all your treasured Arabic books to a Tahfiz school. I hope the knowledge pahala will channel to you. I hope you and Mek will meet in heaven and you have peace there.

Pak and I on the boat on the way to Redang Island. The last holiday we had.

In memory of Ustaz Omar bin Johari: 23rd May 1949 to 4th December 2010

Al-Fatihah

The little girl asked...

A 10-year-old girl: Can I join a trip to Malacca organised by my sekolah agama this coming school holidays? Ustaz and ustazah will join too.

Dad: No, you can't. There will be boys and the teachers won't be able to monitor all of you.

A 10-year old girl: Hmmm... Ok.

A 11-year-old girl: Dad, can I go to the Girls' Scout camping organised by the district Girls' Scout? Only few  girls are chosen from my school.

Dad: No, you can't.

A 11-year-old girl: But why? There would be no boys. It's all girls camping activities.

Dad: The teachers would be able to take care all of you. You might not be safe.

A 11-year-old girl: Hmmmmm... Ok.

A 12-year old girl (still trying her luck): Can I join the camping organised by school at the end of the year? It's for all Standard 6 students after finishing UPSR. Almost everybody is going to go.

Dad: No, you can't. Remember what I said about the boys.

A 12-year-old girl: Hmmmmmmmmm... Ok.

Dad: If you really want to go camping, I'll bring you one day.

That girl refused to join any uniform club at secondary school as she knew she won't be able to go anywhere for any activity.

A 16-year-old girl: My club is having an overnight activities at school this weekend. Can I go? I mean, I have to go coz I'm the secretary of that club. We will stay overnight at school and of course teachers will be there.

Dad: No, you can't. 

A 16-year-old girl: But dad, my teacher made it compulsory to attend this.

Dad: It's ok. I'll fetch you when the activities are over at night and send you first thing in the morning so you don't miss anything. I'll talk to the teachers.

A 16-year-old girl: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

A 18-year-old: Weeeeeee.... I got a good result for my SPM. I'm going to apply to further my study oversea.

Mom & Dad: *Quietly praying she didn't get it*

A 18-year-old girl: I can't believe I was rejected. All my friends is going away! I work hard for this and yet... T_T

Two years later that girl found out that 'somebody' that knew 'someone' in the committee asked that 'someone' to reject her application. She was furious.

And... At 19-year-old, that girl still hasn't experienced any camping with her dad. One day her dad told her to go any camping she was interested in coz he's quite old to bring her. At that point, that girl felt that she was too old to experience camping for the first time while her friends were seasoned campers. 

A 27-year-old (married, have stayed overseas for 1.5 years and traveled alone more that twice): My husband and I will move out and rent a house near our office by end of this month.

Mom & Dad: *2 weeks of silence treatment to them*

That 27-year-old was accused of being ungrateful by others because she wanted to move out to build her own family with her HUSBAND. 

Suddenly all the bloodbaths, wars and protests across the world in the name of freedom make sense to her. People will do anything for freedom. And she will.

Football again

I grew up with a dad who loves discussing sports. It doesn't matter if you are a daughter or a son, as long as you have him as a father, you are entitled to join in the discussing and should be able to tell him what was the score of last night's match. So I grew up knowing sports news and started to read about it so that I won't be left out. But my dad attempts to get me into sport was a failure. It started with golf which failed miserably on the first day, then squash which was not so bad but was not enjoyed by many, and then there are few other sports that I halfway joined. Hey, at least I tried right. Huhu.

The first game I installed when I got a computer when I was 14 was Premier League Manager. Why? Coz Zainal played that. Haha. We were classmates and when I asked him what game was good, he said that. Apparently he didn't know much about girl at that age and I was blinded by our *ahem* friendship *ahem* and played that game. That was the most boring game ever. What you do was trying to manage a team and then watched the player played (more like tiny dots moving around) and suddenly the results came out. After few weeks I gave up. Without I knowing it, I actually learned a lot about football.

Then I have a Manchester United fanatic fan as a brother. He patiently taught me what is offside and now I can proudly yell offside without being wrong. *smile proudly*

So when I got married, it wasn't hard at all for me to understand the football needs of my husband which including converting me into supporting and knowing his favourite team. But most importantly to understand that it's ok he wanted to watch the game with his friends tonight even though he is super tired and sleepy. Coz Chelsea is against Liverpool tonight yo! And Torres just moved from Liverpool to Chelsea... like few days ago...

Another football related story: There are 3 teams in my family - Manchester United (little brother), Chelsea (hubby) and Liverpool (dad & big brother). That day, my dad bought a Liverpool jersey and my mom found it ridiculous for my dad to wear it while my dad found it embarrassing to wear it coz Liverpool kept on losing. He gave it to my big brother but he found the size was quite small for him. So dad wanted to give it to my lil bro or hubby which both of them wanted to make it kain pengelap kaki. Then dad took it back and left it in his wardrobe. Guys! -_-

After 3 years of battle

If I'm not mistaken, I first meet her in 2004. It was Zainal's UNITEN convocation. At that time, I came as a shy-shy girlfriend celebrating his boyfriend's achievement. I was invited to join their family lunch after that. I was reluctant at first (coz I was shy) but eventually I followed them.

After that I never met her again until few years later. She went to Germany pursuing her Ph.D after that. Then in 2007, Zainal showed me the email that she send informing that she would be back for good after she was diagnosed with breast cancer stage 3. At this point of life, you don't care about pencapaian duniawi anymore when your life was at stake. And that was the beginning of her battle.

In 2008 after we got married, we always visited her, at least 2-3 months once. She had mastectomy, chemotherapy and many more treatments. But the cancer cells were very stubborn. After the mastectomy, we thought that the cells were gone, but then we found out it had spread to lung before to the bones.

When I was in US, I saw the worried look of my husband whenever he called home, scared that he wasn't going to be there if anything happened to his only sister. I prayed hard that Kak Zura stays stronger and wait for our arrival first.

But Kak Zura was a strong woman and also a smart lady. Not only academically (bachelors in US, masters is Malaysia and Ph.D in Germany), but also in life. She knew not to depend on man to make her happy and started to save everything for her daughters. If you met her, you will not see her as a patient. She always smiling, never complaining and always want to do everything by herself.

Only Allah know what's best for His creation. This Raya was actually the first Raya I celebrated with her, well, I never know it would be the last Raya. She was weak already at that time but as usual I never noticed it. A week after that we went to visit her again at her house after hearing that she always had difficulty of breathing. We couldn't talk much that time as her friends were there at the same time. My mother in law told me that the doctor had told her that she had only 1 month left. The cancer cells have invaded her liver and the spinal cord. I was in shock. I couldn't imagine how she felt at that moment.

On Thursday afternoon that same week, I received a phone call from Zainal that Kak Zura was admitted to hospital. Same hospital with Pak. He rushed home and together we went there. They gave Kak Zura morphine and other pain reliever to ease her pain. Yes, the doctor said cancer is the worst pain in the world. Because of the pain killer, she was able to sleep. Zainal slept there for 2 nights and I joined him on the second night. Whenever she woke up and usually the drug has toned down, we need to call nurse so that they will give new dose of drug.

On Sunday morning, we left her sleeping and went home. Zainal's brother took care of her in daytime. We would never know that it would be her last day. We came back again around 8.30pm the same day. We saw her husband sleeping in the room (finally he arrived on SUNDAY!). We went to Kak Zura and saw that she was breathing heavily and moaning in her sleep. After updating her husband on her condition and asked him to take his dinner while we waited with Kak Zura, we went to nurse station. We asked the nurse there why she was breathing like that. It wasn't like that this morning. The nurse answered short and simple, that's is how orang nazak breathing. At this moment she asked us to start reciting Yaasin and teach her the syahadah.

After that shocking piece of news, we immediately started reciting Yaasin. Zainal's brother and his wife, Kak Ina arrived after that. Since both of them are medical doctors, they knew what's the situation and started reciting Yaasin. Kak Ina checked Kak Zura medical reports and found out that her blood pressure couldn't be determined anymore and her temperature was subnormal. Kak Zura's husband came back from his dinner looking confused and joined us in reciting Yaasin.

At 10 pm, with her husband and Zainal holding her hand, she breathed her last breathe. It was fast and almost like she was sleeping. Panic, both of them called Kak Ina and she checked her pulse and heart beat. She called nurse who came with defibrillator. Kak Ina requested not to use the defib and the nurse just used it to read her heart beat and confirmed her death. It's only straight line printed on that paper. At that time, the time of death recorded was 10.03pm on 26 September 2010.

The rest they said is history. We did what we supposed to do and she laid in her final resting area in Shah Alam. She left 2 beautiful daughters aged 8 and 5. I hope she was placed amongst the specials and hope she is peaceful in her new place.

Dari Allah kita datang, kepada Allah kita kembali jua. Al-Fatihah kepada Kak Zura....

Kak Zura with her daughters on our wedding day. At the back is Zainal's brother.

10 days of downhill

Today is the 10th day Pak in hospital. And today at 12 pm, I still at home which is unusual for the past 10 days. Supposedly I should be at hospital. But today I just couldn't take the latest nuisance from people who came to visit. Because she is my family. I expect family to understand but instead she making bunyi-bunyi yang menyakitkan hati on days like this.

Pak was admitted to the ward on 4th of September at 11.30pm. He was brought to the emergency room at 2pm the same day. Doctors took 9 hours to find out what's wrong with him but finally they admitted him despite not knowing what the problem. He showed a symptom of stroke which was slurred speech but the brain scan showed nothing. His motor on both side was in excellent condition which further confused the doctors.

Everyday I was at the hospital without fail. Sometimes I stayed for 12 hours and if other family was there I would went home to take a break. But Pak always asked for me and he felt most comfortable with me so I would tried my best to be there for him.

Pak's health deteriorated rapidly within one week. When he first came in, I can understand him and he can walk if the doctor asked him. Then his speech become unrecognizable even for me. Then they did a MRI scan and they found out that it's pontine stroke. Ya Allah! At that time Pak couldn't even talk anymore. He even needed oxygen. But he wasn't comfortable with the oxygen mask and the pulse oxymeter at his finger tip. He wanted to take it off and was restless for at least 3 days. He was at that condition and didn't feel comfortable with whatever that happen around him. Few times nurses have to tied his hands to his bed to make sure he wouldn't hurt himself. That was the saddest thing I ever seen. He would look at me with sadness in his eyes begging me to untie his hand. He couldn't talk and he is at other people's mercy. And all I can do is comfort him with holding his hand. That's all I can do. I felt useless.

Then on 9th September, he has difficulty of breathing. He was breathing heavily with the help of oxygen mask. At that time, his oxygen level was barely reached 90%. His heart rate was at the average of 120 bpm. He looked like he has to fight for his life to breathe. At that time, he can't even raised his hand. He was so weak and he just closed his eyes all the time. When people came and hold his hand, he opened his eyes and if that person meant a lot to him, tears rolled at the corner of his eyes.

Finally on the Eid night, doctor decided to put him on a ventilator. On Eid morning when I came and visited him, he was unconscious and still breathing supported by ventilator. Now on the 5th of Eid, he still unconscious.

Helpless

Finally this situation has taken a toll on me. I felt that I didn't do everything that it should be yet I felt that I'm exhausted by this whole situation.

I don't know what to do to help him and looking at his situation made me felt so helpless. His speeches has become unrecognizable, his movements have lost it's coordination and he always in pain in different part of the body. I wish I have a magic wand that can cure all his illness.

I felt really bad for not really be by his side at all time helping him with all his need - to the bathroom, fed him and just be there for him. Yet, people think I've done so many things when all I do is taking him to see various specialists since July and just check on him every hour or so. It's just that there is a hole in my heart from the 6 years absence and the feeling is not the same anymore.

I felt bad for not being the best as I should have when he was there all the time when I was small. Yet I felt I have done everything that I could and the best I could to balance between him and my own life.

I felt like there's a huge rock of responsibility that was handed to me by the people around me - the society, friends and family, that I need to carry on. Sometimes I wish the people who calling asking how he is doing would come and see him and be by his side for awhile.

Now I realized how hard it is when the time has come. Seriously I am not ready. My mind was occupied with a lot other goals that I need to achieve at least within this year. But I have to set it aside all of that first because if not who will take care of him and bring him to see the doctors? When I think about this, I started to question my sincerity.

I'm so helpless. Ya Allah, please help him...

Pening

Hish pening.

I'm not sure if he needs attention or he really needs the treatment. But he sure make everybody come and see.

But the timing couldn't be worse. Pity my hubby as he also involved in this.

Need more patience with this.

Mek

It has been 11 days since she had gone. I waited so long to write a post about this coz I don't have the strengths to pour it out without crying my heart out. I never thought I will be missing her this much.

She just not my grandma, she's like my second mom. If you knew her, you will call her Mek. Coz no matter who you are, her daughter, friend, grandson or great-granddaughter, you will called her Mek. To me, Mek represents everything she is to me - grandma, mother and friends.

As far as I knew, she has been living with my family since I was small. She would went visiting her other children 2-3 times a year and after 1-2 weeks with them, she would always missed her room in our house. My room is next to hers and we shared bathroom together. I sometimes sneaked to her room to borrow minyak panas, air masak, spoon or knife coz she has everything in her room.

When I was small, I used to follow her everywhere, from Kelantan to Kedah visiting my uncles and aunts. Then when I got older, Mek would followed us on vacations from Perhentian Island, Genting Highland, Cameron to her favourite, Bangkok. She would always be with me every time I to Umrah. Funnily I only went to Umrah once with my parents.

Then I started my schooling years and everyday I was greeted with her home cooked lunch for 11 years. Mek was wonderful cook especially Kelantan food. She made everything from scratch and knew everyone favourite food. She would bought apam or kuih lapis whenever she went to pasar tani coz she knew I love it. She would bring back roti jala whenever she came across it in kenduri coz I crazy about it. She cooked hati goreng when I came to home after I got married coz I can't get enough of her hati goreng.

Mek has a lot of collections. From handbags, towels, brooches to crystal bracelets, she loved them all and carefully displayed them in her room. She was very particular about her stuff and she can detect if anyone came into her room when she was not there. She loves cat too and she would feed stray cat that came to our house. She's the one who taught Choki (my bunny) to eat cream crackers that became his favourite food.

I'm going to miss our gossip session when she would called me into her room and started, "Ni mek nak cerita sesuatu ni. Tapi jangan beritau mak tau." I'm going to miss our Hindustan movie session which on Saturday or whatever there are showing.

When I went home last year, I remembered she was telling me what should I do during confinement, what to eat and so on. Then I told her, "Taknak la tahu, nanti Mek buatkan la untuk adik ye." I never thought that day would never come. It's always in my plan that Mek will be there when I have children on my own. She always be with me throughout my life anyway. She was there when I was admitted to SJMC repeatedly throughout my childhood years.She was there when I first left home to matriculation, she was there when I registered at UM for for degree, she was at Dewan Tunku Canselor when I received my degree and she slept with me on the last night of my singlehood before I became a wife. When I get married, I couldn't come back home every weekend and she would persuaded me to come home, and eat at home. She would said that at least I would save the money by eating at home but I knew she just wanted me to be home. Sadly, I didn't spend much time with her during my summer vacation last year. She has started becoming sick and we rarely talked at that time.


There's so many memories I have with mek. She is not a kind of grandma that I only saw during Raya or kenduri, she's my grandma that I live with and grow up with. I couldn't believe at the last moment of her life, I wasn't there to be next to her. I can only hear her weak voice and that's it. I really wish I can hug her and kiss her goodbye for the last time.

In one month time, when I come home, tell me how do I walk pass her room to my room knowing that she is not going to be there anymore?

Mek, semoga Mek tenang di sana... InsyaAllah adik akan jumpa Mek lagi ye... Al-Fatihah..

Friday morning tears

My mom told me that he has been in and out of hospital frequently these past few months. I told Zainal that I hope he's ok coz I don't want to hear any bad news while I'm here. Especially those who close to me and made an impact in my life. But Allah loves him more. On Friday morning at 10 something, he passed away. My uncle, Pak Ngah.

He's my dad's older brother with different mom. However, he was close to my dad's siblings. In fact, he was like a part of the same mother siblings. My dad has 10 brothers and a sister. It's a lot of uncles and aunties for each one of them having an impact on me. But Pak Ngah was different. I went to Umrah with him twice. He's my saksi during my akad nikah. He has an impact in my life.

He such a nice man. Always smile and always jovial. I remember people used to tease him for his smoking addiction but he just smiled and brushed it off.

The last time I saw him was during my cousin wedding last summer. Thank God I made the decision to go home that summer break.

Well, semoga rohnya diletakkan di tempat orang-orang yang beriman. Al-Fatihah to Pak Ngah.

Pak Ngah is standing on the left next to the window. This is some of my dad's brothers. Can you spot which one is my dad? People say I'm daddy's girl so it should be easy.

The best mother on earth

Today is Mother's Day and like any other event that happened this year, I'm not be able to celebrate it with the person I'm suppose to be celebrated with.

Mother's sacrifice would never be paid back no matter how much money you give to them. This year my mom reminded me of her endless sacrifices to her children no matter how old they are. To her, they are still her baby and need to be protected all the time.

After Mak knew that Zainal couldn't send me to the States late last year, she voluntarily announced that she would send me. She said she has save some money that can be used for tickets and hotels while she's there. At that moment, only God knows how happy I was to have someone that accompany me for this long journey. Little I knew that this journey was more than just accompanying me.

I arrived here in States without any confirm accommodation. The first 2 days we lived in university inn and after finding a room, we moved there. From my rented room to the nearest bus stop required 0.9 miles of walking distance. The bus that we took at that bus stop didn't go direct to campus but we have to change to another bus at downtown. Imagine for 8 days in the peak of winter time, my 60 years old mother had to walk in winter to bus stop and waited for 30 minutes for the bus to come in drizzling rain just accompanied me whether to campus or grocery shopping.

How do I repay her sacrifice of following me to the campus so that I won't missed the orientation that held at late evening and finished at night time. How she would sat at a corner reading her book while waiting for me. How she gave me her muffler when she saw me shivering in the cold winter rain while waiting for bus. How she had to replace 2 weeks of classes she canceled just for this trip. How during this 10 nights she motivated me to study hard and finally saw me broke down 2 days before she left when the thought of living here alone in this harsh condition finally took its toll on me.

After she arrived home, for 2 months she never failed to call me every morning to remind me that I'm not alone and updated me with the latest news from home so that I will not feel left out. She never angry or disappointed in me even I didn't achieve her expectation instead she would give words of comfort and encouragement to make me feel better. I confided her all my happiness and sadness and as I grow into a young woman, she's my best friend.

She is my idol. I don't need another figure to be role model for me when I have my mother. She cooks the best dishes (and so many varieties), can sew perfectly (alteration is nothing for her as she could saw an evening dress for me), arrange floral decorations in minutes (that's why we have 10 floral decorations at living hall only and she was popular person at wedding preparation as she can transform boring looking flower arrangement into something beautiful), she can design hantaran and bunga telur with back of her hand (she did my brother's 1500 bunga telur while she was a Deputy VC at UPSI and all my bunga telur for both akad nikah & reception by her self), has doctorate, professorship and various awards from the Sultans under her name. How she balanced of being a great mother, wife, and academician is still a wonder to me.

She showed me the greatest love and loyalty of a wife can give to her husband during the worst of his life that amazed me. She showed me the unconditional love of a mother, no matter what her children said or did to her. She showed me the patience of being a daughter of an aging mother whose really tested the composure and calmness of a person.

She said I'm like her and one day I'll follow her. At my current stage of life, I still doubt about her statement but I am glad if I can be half of her greatness. But I do hope that her prayer will come true and therefore I have to work hard to achieve the same level with her. (oh, I could feel the pressure already)

For this, happy mother's day, Mak. You are the best and I love you so much.

How she always loves flowers and I hope the roses will bloom as beautiful as now (or better) next year when she will come for my graduation.

Our first raya together

I can't believe that I have to go to work tomorrow after a 9 days of holiday. Sungguh malasnye...

Time flies so fast when you having fun, right. So how's your Raya? My raya was as usual except that this time, I didn't need to sneak out to call someone on Raya's night at my grandma house. Coz this time, that person was with me all the time... =)

The raya mood started a day before raya when we drove to Muar with my parents and Naqib. The road was surprisingly clear and no traffic jam until we arrived at my Atuk's house. After freshen up we decided to tour the Muar bandar for the sake of wasting time and petrol. So Naqib & I become unofficial tour guide for Zainal as this was the first time he came to Muar. From my dad's high school to the big durian, everything was showed to him. Hehe.

When we came back home, we decided to help my mom collecting duku while waiting for berbuka time. This was my first experience and to tell the truth, I didn't know there's a lot of duku trees behind atuk's house. Furthermore, it was full of ripe duku. We managed to collect full basket from few branches of one tree only. But the worse part of it was that mosquitoes were having a feast with my blood and not forgetting ants were crawling all over my body as if I was their highway. God, that was awful.

Bertungkus lumus...

Raya morning was filled with usual routine: Sembahyang sunat raya, giving duit raya session and followed by photographed session. This time, the increasing DSLR camera was observed during the last session. Adakah semua cousinku ingin menjadi photographer. At least there's no weird photo taking action from photographer itself like last year. Hehe..

Our first raya together

My nucleus family

The cousins & atuk

I tried to absorb and feel as much as I could on the sights, sound and smell of this raya. I might not enjoy it next year coz most probably I won't be in this country to celebrate. Gonna miss this routine so much though.

Oh, this is the first raya I don't get any duit raya. Last raya was the last one as people still confused if I have worked or not. But this time, when there's a hubby next to you, there's no way you can join the long queue. Oh ya, Pak Sham still give a kesian duit raya to me and Zainal though. Hehe...

Upon arriving KL, the whole raya mood has just dispersed away. Zainal & I went 'beraya' with fishes and reptiles at Aquaria KLCC on second raya and watched 'Kami'. Personal warning: If you don't follow the episodes of Kami, you might not understand the whole story of that movie.

Shark... Grrrrr...

Yeah, I'm having a great time this raya with my family. Too bad tomorrow I have to face my works again.

Al-Fatihah

Yesterday at 12pm, we received a bad news. My dearest uncle had passed away at 11am in his sleep. It a shock to all of us.

I just couldn't comprehend the news yet. But when I saw his calm face despite his hardship throughout his life, I finally accepted he's gone forever.

I wasn't THAT close to him but he was one of the uncle that always come to my house and went to holiday together. So he'll be missed tremendously.

Please my friends, take a moment of your busy schedule and sedekah him al-Fatihah...

Al-Fatihah...

Ayah Din, you will always be in our heart.

Eid Fitr 2007

To all Muslimeen & Mualimat, I would like to wish Happy Eid Fitr.

Priceless moment during Raya that I will miss if it's not celebrated in Muar:

1. Catching up with everybody's life
2. Queuing for toilet in the morning
3. Play fireworks
4. Eavesdropping aunties gossiping
   
5. Duit raya giving session
   
6. and the best part is photographing session!!

One small happy family

One big happy family!

I love Raya!!

ps: This year I still get duit raya... Thanks to all my uncles who still don't realize that I'm working already... hehe