Worry

Knowing your husband is sick and you are 1000 kilometres away is the worst feeling ever. I didn't get any updates from him since afternoon and now I'm worry sick about him.

Has he eaten anything?
Has he taken any medicine?
Does he need anything?

This is killing me!

3 more weeks and I'll be by his side everyday.. Can't wait!

There will be happy me only

I was chatting with my previous stakeholder on how I missed supporting their team back in KL. Their team has changed few people including him and he told me it was not the same as previous team that I supported. He laughed when I said his team was very happy and always make me happy whenever I came. He told me that we as human always remember the good memories of our previous places when we are suffering the current situation. We always forgot why we want out in the first place and just because we are familiar with the previous place, we tend to just remember the good things not the bad things.

I never thought of that before. I admitted that I made that mistake too. I only remember the good memories which making me miserable at my current situation. And when I moved to another place, I will only remember the good things of my current situation and again feeling miserable. I know this 10 months of miserable experience that I'm feeling right now will be forgotten as miserable and I will remember the good memories only.

When that happened, I will always feel miserable and never satisfy what I have now. I will living in my past, replaying the good old memories and forgot to live my present life. I will miss the enjoyment that I have now, lost in past and let opportunities to pass by my life. I will hope for better future but didn't do anything at present to ensure future will be better.

Therefore this new year 1435 Hijriah, I want to change that mindset. I will cherish the good memories, learn from bad experiences and most importantly live the present to the fullest. I will not regret what I should have done but fix it now so that there will no regret in the future.

Salam Hijrah everyone. Hope the new year bring more blessed moments and happiness to all of us around the world.

Evil internet

This afternoon my buddy asked me since I came Miri, did I study a lot for CIPS. I sheepishly said no. Then he asked me what did I do with my time alone here. Honestly I dunnooooo... I checked Facebook, 9Gag, browsing online forums and blogs.. boom, 12 am already and time to sleep.

Then this evening, my friend asked me if I have plan today and I said none but I want to sleep early coz I don't get enough sleep last night and..... boom, now is 12 am.

Come on Mun! Where is your self discipline on internet?

Down the drain that flow to Miri river.... haha

Balik Kampung.. oo oo oo.. Balik kampung

The first time in my life, I got to feel the stressful feeling on buying tickets for balik kampung for Raya. I used to live at the most 30 minutes driving from my parents house. Then one year, I was thousand miles away, so balik raya was out of question. This year, I wasn't in that driving vicinity anymore, not even 20 hours driving if I want to. The only option I have is air transportation (let's not talk about water transportation ok). 

2 months ago I realized that I have not bought any ticket for Raya. Zainal was reminding me to buy the ticket since early of the year, but me being me, I enjoyed the excitement of last minute stress -_- . Air Asia and MAS already expensive, triple the usual price , so I tried not to waste money on that. Alhamdulillah Malindo Air just introduced the route from Miri to KL. I can use this opportunity to try their service. Honestly they really need to change the timing of the flight if they want to get more customers.

Fast forward to 2 weeks before Raya, while I was happily waiting for the moment to go back to my hometown (read: KL), few of my friends warned me that Malindo Air always cancel their flight. Oh noooooooo... 

So my flight is tomorrow and I'm praying hard that they will not cancel the flight. If they did, I'm screwed. Let's see how it is going to be.

Ps: I'm so excited to go back tomorrow.. Miss my hubby, my house, my parents and semenanjung generally. I better stop now and pack my bag........

Things that I miss

Things that I miss while living in Miri:

1. My husband
2. Eating with my husband everyday
3. Sleeping with my husband every night
4. All activities that I do with my husband
5. Gardenia bread - all kind
6. My colleagues in Cyberjaya & Damansara Heights
7. My family
8. My friends
9. Fly FM
10. Ikim FM
11. Good food
12. My dryer
13. My bathroom
14. My bedroom
15. My kitchen
16. In short, my house
17. Unifi

Things that I did not miss while living in Miri:

1. Traffic jam
2. That's all

The first 30 days

Today marked the 30th day of my arrival to this 'quiet' town of East Malaysia, Miri. It has been a roller coaster ride for me. I thought I will survive this with a breeze, especially after living in US for 1.5 years and used to be away from home. Boy, I was wrong. Every place has different challenges and I sometimes underestimated what I will face.

Week 1

Arrived in Miri on Sunday afternoon alone as I didn't want to feel comfortable to have someone with me. I checked in into my temporary accommodation that the company has generously provided to me. I chose Marriott Resort and Spa as I wanted to be as comfortable as I can, even though the hotel is the furthest hotel from the office, which is 20-30 minutes away driving (in Miri standard, that is far). The first week was the honeymoon week. Everything was a new discovery to me. I excited to see boats, river and sea on the way to office and everyone at the office was good to me. What made it better was the fact on Wednesday one of my good friend in Cyberjaya came to work in my new office and made me less officesick.

That weekend, was the long Chinese New Year weekend and my husband came over. We had a good time exploring Miri and the neighbouring country aka Brunei while enjoying Marriott's facilities. Together we shortlisted areas that I should looked into for my permanent housing here.

In short, I can imagine myself doing well here and whenever people asked me how is the new place, my answer was good.

Week 2

Week 2 went by quite fast. The first 2 days were public holiday and Zainal was here, so whenever he by my side, I'm always ok. The other 3 working days were quite quiet as many people took the opportunity to have long holiday. At this time I started to have officesick. I started to miss my old colleagues and friends, missed to have lunch and chat with them. It was not helping that I still haven't given any jobs. I ended up reading all the material in company website and even managed to finish a 50 pages manual.

That Friday my parents arrived and weekend was not so bad. As usual, there's nothing much to do in Miri except driving around and Brunei. At least I wasn't lonely that weekend and it has been awhile since I spend time alone with my parents and this was a great opportunity.

Week 3

This was the week that I discovered things going down the drain emotionally. At third week of working in new office, I still haven't have lunch buddies, not even one. Not even one person asked me if I want to join them for lunch. Everyday I need to ask around if I can join them. This is where I realized there's 2 kind of friendly -  a genuine one and a fake one. The lowest point of the week was when I was so down and lonely, I drove to McD drive thru with tears running my cheek, bought my lunch and parked at the side road to eat it. 

However Allah has answered my prayer that day when I met a friend who moved here from Cyberjaya and we made a pact to become default lunch buddy. I realized she was having the same issue with me and that made me feel better as I know I was not alone in feeling this. 

This has definitely lighten up my sadness a bit but I still didn't have any works in the office. I raised this to my supervisor and she asked me to use this time to myself while she sort out my portfolio. At this time I was restless at office, I started to think more about this job. Is it worth it? Why am I doing this? Is this what I want in life? When I started thinking like this, I know this is not good.

Alhamdulillah Zainal came that weekend. Not seeing him almost two weeks added the stress and made me emotionally wreck. At least being with him for one night released a huge amount of sadness and loneliness that I have been carrying all week.

Week 4

Finally I started to do my work. The real work. Business invited me to join him in a meeting in KLCC which means I got to go back home! Even for less than 24 hours -arrived in KL at 10.30pm and my flight back to Miri the next day at 9pm, it means a lot to me.. But it is definitely recharged me. This week brought me more good news. My car has arrived and so were my stuff. Finally familiar things! Ditched the new car that my company lend to me to drive my old faithful Gen 2. It felt so good to be with something that I familiar with which remind me that I'm not far away from home.

That weekend I went home. It was so good to be home and I missed everything about home. And that is how I survived my first month here.

Oh, 18 months, please come quickly and let me finish this as soon as possible.

Crazy shit

The right bar counting down to the 27th October. I didn't even notice that coz in my head and my heart, I have my personal countdown counter ticking every second.

All my heart wasn't here anymore. Not in class, not at home, not in anywhere that I've been and not in anywhere I would be. It's focused on 27th October at RDU at 6.30pm. Every night before I sleep all I can picture is I'm greeting him at arrival gate. Over and over again. I never get bored and tired.

All I want is the day to come faster. I don't care that I have a mid-term paper to submit that day, I don't care my job search was in stagnant phase and my house in a mess. I want him badly.

Heart can hold the emotions to some extend and after that it just can't take it no more. It want it now and it want it badly. Not only heart but the whole body, every cells, every nerves and every thought wants him badly.

And I hate this project management course that take single hour and day of my life. For some reason I feel nak muntah dengan project management ni. That's remind me I have another meeting tonight. 4 days in the row right now. Crazy shit.

Luahan

I have no time to cook for iftar or sahur. But if I don't cook, I don't eat. I don't want to eat Maggi & frozen pizza like yesterday. But assignments need to send tomorrow.

I wish I had somebody to help me out right now.

Salam Ramadhan

This is not the first time I'm not fasting in Malaysia. But this is the first time I fast alone. Like with no family members or roommates or housemates to share iftar and sahur.

The last 5 days I was strong. I took it as dinner and during sahur I too sleepy to think. But today, my heroic self cracked. I felt so lonely. I wish I was eating with someone. It's impossible to wish that I can break my fast with my husband or family at this time but having someone to eat with would be something possible. Today, even Chuck couldn't take my loneliness away. He always teman me eating my iftar.

Again, this semester, there's no Muslim Malaysian aka Malay in Duke that I knew of. After Dian went back to Malaysia (after I only knew her 2 months before Spring Semester ended), I'm the sole survivor in Duke.

Well, I know I can do this. I'm going to Raleigh tomorrow after 'Night with Industries' event. At least there are a lot of Malaysians someone to break the fast with.

Oh, I wish all my friends Salam Ramadhan Al-Mubarak. May this month bring more goodness in us and chance to us to ibadah more.

Ps: I missed going to terawih with my husband. =( And I missed Bazaar Ramadhan too... but not as much as I missed him.

Not ready

10 more days...

Everything still in chaos.

Still no house to stay.

Don't feel like going back again.

I'm not ready at all.

Then again, was I ever ready before?

Retail therapy

I never know the power of retail therapy until now especially in States. Shopping has become my therapy in overcoming loneliness, boredom and anger. I won't go to the expensive stores coz not able to buy would lead to sadness. The purpose of therapy is to cure not to add salt to the wound.

So after class I would go shopping. Like twice a week. Then weekend is another trip. Most of the time I don't buy anything or I just buy something cheap to feel that I don't waste so much time. I don't care if you feel pathetic or what but it's how I survived for 4 months alone here.

Because of this activity, I don't mind spending hours at one store by just looking around. I know it's waste of time but rather than feeling blues and depress, at least I'm happy. And the positive side of it, I have many cheap but beautiful clothes that you really need to dig to find that treasure.

The retail therapy doesn't have to be at brick and mortar stores, it can be online too. Back home, Amazon and eBay won't send the items there and you have to time 3.6 to get the real price but here, you can buy everything and you don't need to time 3.6 (sometimes I do just to compare the price). Craiglist is another favourite site of mine. Since right now is the season of students moving out, many items are very cheap. Luckily I don't have a truck, if not I would have couch, futon, bed, drawer ready for fall semester.

But right now, after discovering a free place to store my stuff (thanks to William), I started to collect my own furniture to be ready for new apartment in next semester. The thing is all the stuff is so cheap and I know I won't find this cheap stuff in the beginning of semester when everybody is looking for same stuff as me. Right now, I'm buying things that can fit my car. If only a couch can fit into my car...

I wish this angry feeling will go away soon. Before I started buying more stuff. Like iPod Touch.

Ps: Goat's milk taste the same no matter if it's in raw form of powder form. Don't get cheated by the 'creamy, great tasting' tagline. Well, have to endure it for the sake of stronger immunization against swine flu.

Can't wait

Of waiting and waiting

After 12 hours of waiting, I only got 6 minutes and 45 seconds.

Apparently, sleeping is more important.

My heart freeze when it's snowing again

Then

Date: 20 January 2009 (one day after our first anniversary)
Time: 7.30 am

M: Sayang, bangun cepat snow turun la.
Z: *Wake up immediately*

Few minutes later after wearing whatever clothes that won't make us cold.


Time: 4.30 pm

M: Sayang, tak nak pergi kelas boleh tak?
Z: Nape?
M: Sakit perut.

Few minutes later after coming out of the toilet.I think this was the best anniversary I ever had. We never played with snow before so Allah let it snowing a day after our anniversary and let us enjoyed each other to create a long lasting memory. Thank you Allah.

Today

The snow fell down again in Durham. I was at Aira's this morning.

I wasn't excited anymore. The memory of having 1 day snow reminded me the fun time I have with my hubby. It was very painful thinking that if he is here right now, we will be enjoying ourselves like before. The beautiful scenery was too painful to be enjoyed. My heart felt cold and eerily quiet like today.

I hope I can still holding on until we meet each other again and not lost my mind like this snowman (or head).

I'll do this if it can make you stay longer

I wish we have more time together...

Taken from www.xkcd.com

TV & Choki

Sepi itu indah. Really? Not to me though. I need constant sounds and any noise to remind me that I'm not alone in this world. That's why I need tv. Just to have some human voices in my room. That's why I disappointed when my house don't have cable. Cable is quite cheap here compared to ASTRO back home.

I love tv. Call it idiot box or total waste of time, tv is the best invention ever. I don't need plasma or LCD, just a big black box that shows pictures and with sound will do. I don't watch it all the time but I switched it on most the time.

I'm going to get a digital converter soon for my tv to get more channel. I have to get it before February something or else I won't received any channel at all.

~*~

When I found out that my landlady has 2 kittens, I thought I won't be missing Choki the bunny as I will get substitute. I was wrong big time. The more time I spend with the kittens, the more I missed Choki. Choki is still the best. He the cutest and the best bunny ever. I miss him so much. I woke up one morning and realized I missed Choki. But I bet he don't remember me now. He's such an amnesiac.

~*~

What does tv and Choki have in common? I used to abandon Choki to watch my tv. Now I regret. I should spend more time with Choki. At least he will remember me (maybe deep inside his heart, he will).

Writing about Choki made me miss him even more. Nak gambar terbaru Choki!

This 3 weeks was just so beautiful

3 weeks come and go like a blink of eyes. I still remember the excitement of waiting for him at the airport. The first kiss I got upon meeting him at the arrival hall. The smell and the warmth of his body beside mine. This is my worldly heaven.

But then, times moved faster than we can capture every moment. Without notice, it's time to say goodbye. Not to forever, but maybe a few months. But few months felt like forever.

I miss him dearly. I practically spend 20/7 with him during this 3 weeks. 4 hours less per day when I went to classes on weekdays. The rest of the day was spend with him. How am I not feeling lost after this? Who will make jokes with me? Who will make me smile and laugh? Who will make my day better even in the coldest day in winter?

He's the best husband ever. Who would walk 1 mile in the cold and then waited for 20 minutes for a bus just to wait for another 3 hours? Then when we get our own car, he diligently send and picked me for my classes even when I've got my own local license? Who would eat little and be hungry for whole night so that the halal food he brought can be eaten by me in the future. He's the one I'm married with.

People said just not to think too much and focus on the main purpose you are here; study. It's easy to said when you are the one not experiencing it and feel it. People said don't worry, we have technology now. It's easy to say when you have someone to warm you every night by your side. But I guess this is the choice (not sacrifice) we made for our future. I hope it's worth it.

Dear sayang, thank you for the wonderful 3 weeks. Not for these 3 weeks only but the 1 year as your wife and 6.5 years as your girl. And I'll be your girl for the rest of your life.

Have a safe journey and till we meet again, soon I hope.

Ps: I promised not to cry at this goodbye (I been crying a lot lately) but I can't stop the tears to roll as I typed this. I never been away from him more than 2 weeks for the last 6.5 years we were together. Now, I don't even know when I'm going to see him. This is awful.

If I could fly, you'll see me flying next to your plane to follow you home.

Why

Why I even think of doing this?

It's harder than it's look like.

SO much harder.

So hard that I wish I never came here at the first place.

Ya Allah, please give me strength to go through this.